Eat Your Vegetables

"Plants are lucky. They can eat, sleep and reproduce all at the same time."
The Chemical Buddha was always jealous of plants because they got to do all the stuff he wanted to do. (And in public no less.) Although The Chemical Buddha had fallen asleep during sex, eaten in his sleep and eaten during sex. The closest he ever came to being plant-like was fucking and eating while being half asleep. So when he heard people were in a vegetative state, he was happy for them. But that was before he realized that while they were eating (through a tube) and sleeping (AKA in a coma) they couldn't enjoy sex or even feel it. So he was much less excited about trying to achieve his own vegetative state. He instead focused his vegetable envy on the length and girth of grocery store cucumbers.
Who are you jealous of and why?
Is it possible that what you have right now is what's best for you?

Wrap That Wrascal

"To a man, protection is a padded headboard."
Men are different than women. They see the world differently and they have different priorities. So it should come as no surprise that The Chemical Buddha had a very different idea of what protection meant. And for years, he thought the fact that his headboard was padded was all he needed when women asked if he had 'protection'. Sadly, after catching and then passing on numerous STDs, he finally figured out what they were really talking about. But by then he didn't care, so he lied. And while The Chemical Buddha is no longer among us, strains of his STDs live on and are still passed around to this day. In fact, we're sure The Chemical Buddha would think it was fitting that he lived on through his venereal diseases.
How do your views of the world differ from those around you?
In what ways do you protect yourself? And does it help or hinder your ability to connect with others?

Way to Go

"I don’t have a death wish. I just like living so much it might end up killing me."
The Chemical Buddha wanted to experience everything life had to offer. In fact, he drank, smoked, snorted, injected or ingested as much life as he could. And despite numerous health problems, he kept doing whatever he pleased right up until the time of his death. He literally died as he lived. (See "About The Elvis of Enlightenment" to the right.) During his time among us, The Chemical Buddha noticed most people spent their lives doing stuff they didn't want to do. He thought, "Who wants to die pushing papers, filling out forms or sitting in on a conference call?" He seriously doubted anyone ever said from their deathbed, "Wait! I need to read one more email before I go!" When instead, they could scar their sex partner(s) for life, by dying in mid-thrust like he did.
What behavior, that you know isn't good for, do you continue to do and why?
How long do you think you're really going to live?

Urban Camping

"I complained because I had no bong, until I met a man who had no pot."
The moment that inspired the above insight humbled The Chemical Buddha. (Well, at least it did after he stopped gloating and laughing at the poor bastard.) Because it showed him that no matter how bad things were, there was always someone who was worse off. And that made him feel a lot better about the roadblocks he was encountering on his journey. In fact, The Chemical Buddha started making a habit of eating at the local soup kitchen so he could be around people who were down on their luck. It also didn't hurt that he got a free meal out of it. During this time he formed the opinion that he was better off than the average homeless person. (Or at least better off than the ones that didn't have a heating grate to sleep on. Because those guys had it made.)
How might a different perspective help you see your life differently?
Will the issues in your life matter in 2 weeks? A month? 6 months? A year? What can you do to put today's issue into its proper perspective?

Putting the Cock in Cocktail

"If you don’t get drunk, how am I supposed to get laid?"
The Chemical Buddha knew the best way to get into a woman's pants wasn't with smooth talk or a fat wallet. The real secret was b-o-o-z-e. Especially girlie shots where she couldn't taste the alcohol. Then he just needed to seem non-threatening and move in for the kiss and the, "Let’s go someplace else." The Chemical Buddha noticed people usually needed some sort of excuse for doing what they already wanted to do. So they could say, "I was really drunk," and therefore avoid responsibility for what they did under the influence. He became the perfect "Oh my God I slept with you!?! I’m never drinking/smoking/taking that much again!" morning after guy. In fact, only Betty Ford has helped more people get sober than waking up next to The Chemical Buddha.
Are you aware of how other people try to manipulate you?
How do you excuse your behavior?

Pee Pee Dance

"I'd let you pee on my face just to see where it came from."
The Chemical Buddha was pretty proud of this pick up line when he first started using it. The only downside was, when it worked, he had to let them pee on his face. And most of those people just did it because they liked peeing on people, not because they were attracted to The Chemical Buddha. Especially after he was soaked in urine. He also discovered that urine stings when you get it in your eyes. Oh, and it's possible to get your picture posted on lots of medical websites when you get gonorrhea of the eyes and nose. Good times.
How has being clever just for the sake of being clever backfired?
How might your own pride keep you from seeing what's really happening?

Pay to Play

"Because we are all one, you actually knocked yourself up. And I shouldn't be required to pay child support to myself."
During The Chemical Buddha's various states of 'enlightenment', he spilled his seed all over the place. Months later, when a woman he'd never seen before showed up with a baby that looked like him (but then, don't all babies look like The Chemical Buddha?) he would try to use this defense to keep from paying child support. When the fact he didn't have a job and no visible assets actually did a much better job of swaying the court. Of course, he always got a court order to get (and keep) a job. There were rare occasions a farmer would show up claiming The Chemical Buddha had knocked up one of his sheep, but that's a story for another time. (December 29th to be exact.)
How does seeing yourself as separate from everything around you keep you from taking responsibility for what's going on?
How would things be different if we all cared for each other as we'd care for ourselves?