Cheech and Chong are our Patron Saints

"I prefer to celebrate Halloweed."
As a teenager, The Chemical Buddha broke with the traditional thinking around him and created his own holiday to remind people of the path to enlightenment. In his mind, he saw 'enlightenment helpers' being passed out every October 31st. After writing several letters to his Congressional representatives promoting his holiday idea, the Federal Government was nice enough to kick in his door and go through all of his stuff. Luckily, his case was thrown out when he claimed religious persecution. From then on, he took his Halloweed movement underground and died without ever seeing his dream fulfilled. So as you celebrate Halloween, please keep the Chemical Buddha's dream alive and watch out for the DEA.
What dream of yours have you hidden away and not shared?
What would it take for you to follow your dream?

You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets

"The only people who can keep a secret are the ones who don't know it."
The Chemical Buddha found this out the hard way when he told some very personal information to a friend who said he wouldn't tell a single soul. And he didn't tell a single soul. He told several souls. Who then proceeded to tell two friends and that person told two friends and so on. The next thing The Chemical Buddha knew, everyone was talking about how he liked to shave his initials into his pubic hair. Not only did he learn that you lose control of a secret once you tell someone, but people won't pass on a secret that's not interesting. For instance, no one talked about how aerosol cheese was his favorite food.
Are you someone people trust with their secrets?
What do you know about yourself that's so secret even you won't acknowledge what it is?

Blow Job?

"Work is when you sell your hopes and dreams for money."
At least that is what The Chemical Buddha always told himself as a way of justifying why he didn't have a job. His other delusion was that his hopes and dreams were priceless and no business could afford them. The truth is, his dreams were simple and mostly intoxication or orgasm based. The Chemical Buddha believed a job would require too much time and prevent him from pursuing his connection to the one. (And by 'one', he meant one hitter.) Although the cash infusion might have been useful. Because there's no telling what he could have accomplished, and the people he could have touched, if he was able to earn the money needed to acquire clean underwear or even soap.
In what ways do you tell yourself, you don't really want what you want?
Which do you think is better? To try and fail or never try at all?

Bad Liver

"I’ve never met a drug I didn’t take."
The Chemical Buddha's liver could attest to the fact that he really did try everything. In Kindergarten, before his drug education was complete, he snorted pixie sticks, licked postage stamps (back when they were lickable) and smoked oregano. Eventually, he learned to at least only try stuff that was in pill form, smelled like alcohol or was smoked. Later, he learned to only pay after he'd tried it. Hopefully, The Chemical Buddha's life can be a warning to you that the road to enlightenment is filled with those who would lead you astray. People who try to pass bunk weed and baking soda off as the real thing. So know, dear readers, that you will be tested along your path. No one said this would be easy. And just when you feel your liver withering and your awareness expanding, your 'friends' may try to stage an intervention. Know that only you can keep yourself on the path you have chosen.
How has being open to all options made it hard for you to choose?
If you did choose a direction, what could you gain? What could you lose?

Mind the Gap

"Women control half the money and all the pussy."
Although this insight seems to be pretty self-explanatory, it took The Chemical Buddha quite a few years to fully grasp it. Later in life, it dawned on him that if women controlled all of the pussy they actually controlled all of the money too. Or at least they would control the money for 90% of the male population that's straight or bi. Because men will spend practically anything to get some. But usually only for the pussy they don't already have. However, if women could come together, rather than compete against each other, they could literally control the world. The Chemical Buddha hoped that philanderers like himself would never see that day come. Luckily, in this incarnation, it didn't. But what about his next life? Or the one after that?
What or who controls you?
If something else (or someone else) controls your life, what would have to change for you to take responsibility for yourself?

Bend Over, I'll Drive

"Looking younger just lulls us into thinking we have more time."
One of The Chemical Buddha's favorite things about American culture was its obsession with youth. He theorized this was because most of us looked our best in our late teens/early 20s. In fact, The Chemical Buddha pegged his physical appearance peak at 6 ½. He also noticed most people seemed to be trying to get back (either physically or mentally) to their perceived peak. Personally, he was just happy to spend a little time inside of someone youthful (yet of legal age). Or at least, the age of legal consent. For those of you literally scoring at home, the lowest age of consent is 14 in Arkansas, Iowa, Indiana, Missouri, and South Carolina. Some of your better Bible belt states. Luckily, most of these states were close together, making for easy 'Sleep with a Buddha' road trips.
How have you lulled yourself into putting important decisions off until tomorrow?
If this was your last day, what would you do? Or who would you talk to/spend it with?

Hunk-a, Hunk-a of Burning Love

"A new tomorrow is as close as your medicine cabinet."
Most days, the only reason The Chemical Buddha would pull himself out of bed was the lure of his 'medicine' cabinet. (Also known as his stash box.) What new exciting, cocktail would he come up with today? Where would it take him? What would he see? That's when he got the idea of turning his medicine and liquor cabinets into his headboard. That way he wouldn't have to get up to go exploring. It also had the added advantage of allowing him to lure people into his bed to partake in a variety of mind-altering worlds and positions. This period of time helped to establish The Chemical Buddha as The Elvis of Enlightenment (just without the music or the money.) If you'll notice, the initials for Elvis' favorite saying, "Taking Care of Business" (TCB) are also the initials for The Chemical Buddha. Coincidence? We think not.
What do you need to do before you feel like you can fully step into tomorrow?
Is it possible the answer is closer than you think?

Cheaper Than Botox

"If you want to look younger, date somebody who's a lot older."
When he reached his early 20s, The Chemical Buddha's discovered his lifestyle was becoming hazardous to his appearance. It all started early one morning as he stumbled into the bathroom to pray to the porcelain god. As he knelt, he saw his reflection in the toilet bowl water and actually thought a 60-year-old dude was trying to swim out of his toilet. He was even more surprised when he saw that same 'old dude' in the mirror. As his mind reeled, the above insight was born. Shortly after, The Chemical Buddha started cruising nursing homes for dates. It was cheaper than plastic surgery. Plus it gave him easy access to adult diapers. So he never had to use the bathroom (and risk seeing that old dude) again.
Do you worry about growing older? If so, why?
What one thing do you want to be remembered for?

Jim Beam Loves You

"When they're in a relationship, everyone thinks they're attractive."
When one person liked The Chemical Buddha, he thought everyone liked him. Of course, when he wasn't fucking someone, he thought no one liked him and became an insufferable depressive that only massive amounts of uppers could make tolerable. After one particularly brutal dumping, he realized his self-worth was tied directly to how others saw him. It was after this awakening, he created the Three-Fold Path To Love:
1) Get a dog from the pound. (They're just glad to be alive.)
2) Only fuck people you meet through the casual encounters section of Craigslist.
3) Hang out with Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Johnny Walker. Because they always love you back.
How does other people's opinion effect what you think of yourself?
If you weren't worried about what people would say, what one thing would you do?

Is That You God?

"Coke: snortable numbness."
During his tour through the enlightenment 'helpers', The Chemical Buddha spent some time in the powdery land of cocaine. One of the things he appreciated about it was how it took his mind off his problems. Like how his gut was so big he couldn't see his dick anymore. (Was it still down there?) What he didn't appreciate was its price tag. Luckily, he was willing to find other ways to stop all thought in his head and thereby open his mind to the infinite. In fact, he found an orgasm was good at quieting his brain. (So was taking a really good shit.) The Chemical Buddha believed, with the proper supplements, God could truly be found anywhere.
How do you avoid thinking about things?
What price are you paying by not participating fully in your life?

Follow the Leader

"I’m full of light. Light beer."
Shortly after starting out on his 'spiritual path', The Chemical Buddha found people were receptive to his 'teachings'. At first, the fact that other people were listening to him made The Chemical Buddha nervous. Then, when his followers/groupies said he was 'the light', he downplayed it by saying it was only because they were high. But as he began to trust his own gifts and insights, he became more comfortable with people looking to him to show them how to live a life of expanded awareness. His disciples saw The Chemical Buddha as the living embodiment of 'following your buzz'. This was the dawning of the enlightenment through pharmaceuticals movement and the compiling of The Chemical Buddha's philosophies into its current marketing juggernaut.
Are you willing to be someone others follow? Why or why not?
Whom do you follow? Whom do you lead? (Whether or not you’re aware of it, you are being influenced by, and influencing, others.)

High on Religion

"Drugs help you forget your problems by giving you bigger ones."
Before he recognized the enlightenment potential of drugs and alcohol, The Chemical Buddha just drank and drugged to forget his problems. (Which included several shameful, childhood incidents with the family gerbil.) But he found the issues he was trying to forget were compounded by behaviors he didn't remember because he was under the influence of his medicine/liquor cabinet. All of that changed, however, when his freakishly strong ability to rationalize and reframe any and every thing, allowed him to justify all of his addictions by calling it his 'spiritual path'. And the rest, as they say, is history. It was also the foundation of a drug fueled religious movement the likes of which the world hasn't seen since the creation of various so-called Pagan religions, Catholicism, and New Age religions of the 1960s.
What problems are you trying to avoid?
Does avoiding them make them go away or make them worse?

Fuck a Duck?

"If a man says 'no' to sex, it's because he misunderstood the question."
There've been plenty of times when The Chemical Buddha thought he was being asked if he wanted to fuck only to learn he misunderstood. Sometimes, he'd awkwardly pull his pants back up. Other times he’d just leave them down and see if anyone else wanted something from 'the meat department.' His over reaction was the result of a scaring incident where his date actually asked him if he wanted to fuck. But he thought she said, 'Do you want the duck?" and he had already settled on the lamb. From then on, just to be safe, The Chemical Buddha started saying, “Yes,” to everything. Which resulted in him helping people move, watching his friend's incontinent dog, as well as attending several Amway and Mary Kay meetings.
Do you hear what you want to hear or what is really being said?
What is the cost of saying, "Yes," (when you really want to say, "No") in your life? How might occasionally saying "No," even to people you care about, make your life less complicated?

Orgasmic Credit

"68 me. (You do me and I'll owe you one.)"
Thanks to the credit culture of enjoy it now, pay later, The Chemical Buddha found he could say and/or promise practically anything and get a blow job. Or, sometimes, he didn't have to make any promises, because reciprocation was assumed. This 'blow job on credit' led him to The 68 Insight: "You do me and I'll owe you one." And like any good credit junkie, when it came time to pay up, he would start the process all over again with another 'card'. This philosophy did leave him with a mountain of debt and lots of sexually frustrated partners, but what did he care? He still got what he wanted with no payments until next year.
What relationships in your life do you get more than you give?
How is not paying up costing you now and in the future?

AA Tip #101: B.Y.O.B.

"Alcoholics Anonymous sounds like a good name for a bar."
Imagine The Chemical Buddha's surprise when his so-called friends took him to a place called Alcoholics Anonymous and there wasn't even a bar there! What he expected was somewhere he could go and get drunk without ever telling anyone his name. Unfortunately, the only thing he got right was the name part. It was enough to make The Chemical Buddha need a drink. From that moment forward, he vowed to open a bar called Alcoholics Anonymous, because he believed several people at the meeting could really use a drink too. In the early 90s, he achieved his goal and Alcoholics Anonymous became a very popular place for AA meetings.
How are you deceiving yourself?
What do you need to do to get yourself back on track toward your goals?

100% Shit

"You should strive to have the consciousness of a cat. Because when a cat poops, every part is focused on pooping."
The Chemical Buddha found it interesting that people think of animals as stupid, yet dogs and cats have no problems with being who they are. A dog doesn’t dream of being anything other than a dog. They are perfectly content to sniff each others' butts, shit in the yard and drink out of the toilet. And when they focus on something, every part of them is focused on the task at hand. Be it sleeping, eating, fucking or staring at the front door. To The Chemical Buddha, we would all do well to be able to achieve the focus of our pets. Toward the end of his life, he actually believed he had attained that level of focus and contentment. But, it was later revealed The Chemical Buddha had actually destroyed most of his brain cells and had the IQ, and memory, of a gold fish.
How might having cat or dog consciousness make your life easier?
What are the important things you need to focus on and what do you need to disregard?

Spiritual

"Experience the inspiration of intoxication."
Like lots of semi-successful men and women (including most of the homeless), The Chemical Buddha found drinking to be a great way to uncover new ways of being. In fact, most of his key learnings came while he was under the influence of at least alcohol. One of the things he particularly enjoyed about today's insight is how it rhymed. Making it easier for him to remember. While The Chemical Buddha was 'channeling the spirits of inspiration' (as he liked to tell the arresting officers) he found he was open to all kinds of ideas. On one particularly inspiring evening, he took a woman home he wouldn't have given a second glance to a mere seven cocktails earlier. He then puked in her neighbor's mailbox. Wore her 4X thong on his head (and shoulders). And got his dick stuck in a plastic milk jug.
What inspires you?
Do you channel your inspiration into your life or wake up naked in a puddle of milk with your dick stuck in a jug?

Choose More

"When faced with a choice, always take the higher dosage."
This was a no-brainer for The Chemical Buddha. It's always better to have more of something you want, than not enough. Not that you need more information on this subject, but we feel inclined to expand on The Chemical Buddha's teachings in some way. (See? We want to give you more.) So, here are some examples: an ugly hook up is better than no hook up. 3 beers are better than 2 beers. In short, while others may say you're selfish, always take more. You can share the excess later. (If you want.)
How does following cultural expectations of sharing, keep you from getting your fill of what you want?
If you were allowed to have as much as you want of whatever you wanted, what would you do differently?

The Goldilocks Insight

"Friction brings release. No friction, no release. Too much friction brings only pain."
During the course of three back-to-back masturbation sessions, The Chemical Buddha formulated a key teaching he called The Goldilocks Insight. Too much lube, too little friction and nothing happens. Too little lube results in only pain and tenderness. But when you get the balance just right, magic can happen. Surprisingly, The Chemical Buddha found this to be true in relationships as well. The good ones needed just enough friction/conflict. Too much and people end up in jail and/or the hospital. Too little, and people drift apart. The key is knowing how much is just enough. And sometimes, you only know when you feel it.
How much friction do you need to keep you interested? And does your 'friction level' match that of the people around you?
When the friction becomes too intense do you shrink back or reassess, readjust, and restart?

You Probably Won't Want to Read This

"Addicted to self-pity."
There are lots of addictions in the world. But The Chemical Buddha felt the most insufferable was an addiction to self-pity. The woe-is-me crowd was always happy to tell you how their life sucked, rather than distracting themselves with sex, drugs, food or material possessions like everyone else. To The Chemical Buddha, these people always seemed liked they wanted to suffer. And he was always happy to fuck them over so they would have more stuff to complain about. Of course, when he was lost in his own self-pity addiction, the only way he was able to escape its vicious cycle was with hardcore street drugs.
Do your friends help you be a better person or do they let you wallow in self-pity?
How could finding a healthier addiction allow you to move on?

Sex, Drugs, and…???

"I know there’s more to life than sex and drugs. I’m just not interested in any of it."
The Chemical Buddha realized life had a lot to offer. An incredibly diverse range of sexual positions and partners in all shapes and sizes. Plus new drugs were being invented in America's basements and garages everyday. And he always vowed that once he'd exhausted all of those possibilities and combinations, he would see if there was anything else that interested him. Sadly, he didn't live long enough to make it to Thai hookers, let alone watch the sun set over the ocean.
Do you see the world as larger than you could possibly imagine or small and boring?
How might your narrow focus keep you from other opportunities?
How does chasing unlimited possibilities keep you from settling down and truly enjoying yourself?

Squirts of Regret

"Kids are God's way of saying you should have pulled out."
During his journey to enlightenment, The Chemical Buddha would often find himself enjoying the subtle nuances of McDonald's special sauce. Or counting the sesame seeds on his Big Mac for hours on end. Inevitably, his attention would be drawn to the McDonald's Playland where he couldn't help but notice the depressed looking parents watching their little bundles of joy turn into mouthy, snot encrusted dirty clothes. It was then he realized doing what was culturally expected, (in this case, having kids) didn't necessarily make the people involved feel happy.
What decisions made in the heat of passion do you now regret?
How might undoing a choice be less painful than living with it?

Permanent Ink is God

"Nothing is permanent. (Except permanent ink.)"
All that is eventually ends. (Yes, even the nagging of your significant other will eventually come to an end.) Buddhists say, "Only that which is unchanging and permanent is real. All the rest is merely an illusion." So, according to marketers, the only thing that lasts forever is permanent ink. (Advertisers wouldn't lie would they?) The Chemical Buddha awakened to this theory after a long night of sniffing markers. And from that moment forward, he started writing everything in permanent ink. Or, as he called it, "God."
Knowing that nothing lasts forever, how might you live differently?
How does trying to keep things from changing create difficulty in your life?

Anti-Christ Like?

"Christ turned water into wine. I turn wine, beer, and cocktails into water."
The Chemical Buddha believed we could all be Christ-like. (Some new agers call it Christ consciousness, but everyone knows those people are freaks.) But try as he might, The Chemical Buddha was never able to turn water into wine. (He probably would have only got drunk on it anyway.) He did, however, find he had the ability to turn all alcoholic beverages into water. Making him the reverse Christ or anti-Christ. This realization often bothered The Chemical Buddha. Luckily, he was able to drink into submission that bothersome part of his consciousness.
Rather than focusing just on the day-to-day, how might thinking about the end result help you attain your goal?
How can rationalizing away your own anti-Christ like behaviors allow you to sleep at night?

Good Parking

"Enlightenment is great and all that, but it doesn't help you get a good parking space."
Before attaining enlightenment, The Chemical Buddha had been told he would obtain many wondrous things upon becoming one with all that is: sex, drugs, money, servants, limos, mansions, and more were all promised. But nowhere on that list was mentioned a good parking space. Luckily, due to years of extreme overeating and rampant, unchecked drug use, The Chemical Buddha was able to obtain the one thing that would guarantee rock star parking as long as he walked the earth – a handicapped parking tag.
Are your preconceived notions making things too difficult?
Is there a simpler solution to the path you're on?
How might the path you're already on get you what you truly want?

Back Boobs

"If you're gonna get breast implants, why not put them on your back too?"
As far as The Chemical Buddha was concerned, women who just got their breasts enlarged, only did half the job. That's why he came up with the idea of back boobs. Perfect for those times when he was doing it doggie style. What guy wouldn’t like to play with some surgically enhanced back boobs? (And they could be used for leverage.) He theorized this would be the new frontier in plastic surgery: adding things you don’t need. Nothing would be more American than that.
What parts of your life are you only going half way?
What do you not just need to do, but overdo, to have the life you want?