You Like Me. You Really, Really, Like Me.

“Life is the only thing worth living.”
Admittedly, The Chemical Buddha was pretty stoned when he said this because it seems like a pretty obvious duh? But The Chemical Buddha wasn’t so sure it was that easy. To him, it seemed like a lot of people lived their lives for someone else. So he wasn’t sure if that qualified as living or not. But he definitely didn't think so. He preferred to live his life for himself. Although there were times he saw that he had lived to impress others or to try to get other people to like him. And while it did push him to ‘clean up’ his act, it didn’t necessarily make him happy. In fact, he sometimes gave up some pretty important things in order to go after what he wanted. Then, when he got the object of his desire, he missed what he had given up to get it. This created an unending cycle of unhappiness for TCB. So he decided to start living for himself and hoped he would find someone that liked him for him.
Do you think you’re worthy of being loved just as you are? Why or why not?
What have you given up to be loved?

Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich

“I am the Elvis of Enlightenment.”
The Chemical Buddha became obsessed with The King of Rock and Roll. Not necessarily with his music, but with his lifestyle of excess. He also loved how people forgave Elvis for his excesses. So The Chemical Buddha thought he would take a short cut and just start calling himself the ‘Elvis of Enlightenment.’ He thought that gave people a title they could easily relate to. Of course, he found people expected him to sing or, at the very least, have some sort of sex appeal. And they were pretty disappointed (almost angry) when they found out that not only could TCB not sing, but he didn’t even know any of Elvis' songs.
If you could give yourself a nickname what would it be and why?
In your life, who’s expectations are you trying to meet? Yours or someone else’s?

The Man is Keeping me Down

“I'm allergic to work.”
The Chemical Buddha started telling people this when his chronic unemployment was thrown in his face. In fact, he would often write it on the back of an empty 12 pack of Natural Light and stand on the street corner begging for money. And sometimes it even worked. Oftentimes people just wanted to know if it was a genetic condition and what they needed to do to catch it. The reality is The Chemical Buddha wasn’t just unemployed, he was unemployable. But, as the Buddhists say, even Buddhas have to eat, so he was merely following the begging bowl tradition. But in this case, he was using his begging cardboard. The most important thing to take away from this insight is the importance of finding a reason, no matter how far fetched, for doing what you do. Some lean on the fact that they had a bad childhood, others dwell on their lack of opportunity, and some blame the ‘six white men who control the world.’
What do you not like to do and how do you avoid doing it?
Is it less work to avoid it? Or less work to do it?

Fun on Layaway

“Better to spend it while you’re young, than have it when you’re old.”
The Chemical Buddha noticed that unless you’re a trust fund baby, most of us have to work to acquire money and stuff. (We’re pretty sure he was one of the first to make this keen observation.) The thing about youth is that's when you're the most attractive. You're most flexible. You're most open to trying new things. You have the most free time to see the world. But few of us have the money. That’s why TCB thought it was better to go massively into debt to do all those things and then spend the rest of your life paying it off. Because if you only have the money to do it when you’re old, then all you’ll want to do is boring shit like gardening, reading, and crossword puzzles. And who needs money to do that?
What are you waiting to do in your life?
What do you wish you would have done earlier in your life and why? What’s preventing you from doing it now?

Cream Filled Eternity

“That which is unchanging is also undying. Sorta like a Twinkie.”
All that is ends. The planets, the stars, the galaxies, the universe. Hell, even parallel universes probably end if they’re really out there. The Buddhists believe the only thing that is real is that which is unchanging. And if it is unchanging it is also undying. The Chemical Buddha had a Twinkie for almost 20 years. Well, he found it with a card from his 4th birthday (his parents were so thoughtful and always gave the best gifts) after it had been buried in his closet for 20 years. Because, if he had seen it, he probably would have eaten it. The thing he noticed though, was his Twinkie looked exactly the same as the ones he’d just bought. So he concluded, Twinkie’s were truly eternal and would out last us all. And the thought of a cream filled ever after, made The Chemical Buddha very happy.
What do you want to last forever? Do you appreciate it because it won’t last forever or dismiss it?
What can you do to celebrate the passing of time and your own time here?

Honk! Honk!

“If they didn’t want you to drive on the sidewalks, they wouldn’t pave them.”
Before The Chemical Buddha lost his driver’s license, one of his life philosophies was if it was paved, you could drive on it. We’re pretty sure it was this thinking that lead to his losing his, as the judge put it, ‘privilege to drive’. But The Chemical Buddha was all about pushing the rules as far as he could. Maybe it was because his parents’ rules were always changing. One day it wasn’t OK to smoke pot, the next it was OK as long as he did it his bedroom. Until finally, he could smoke pot in the living room as long as he kept his pants on. Eventually, they even gave up on that. So he learned it was possible to push and get away with stuff. Of course, he also found the court of law wasn’t that forgiving. No matter how much he whined about it. The rules actually did apply to him too. Unless he was super rich.
Where in your life do you push your boundaries?
Do you try to whine and weasel your away around people’s boundaries or do you respect them and work within them? What are the results of that?

Party on a Dime (or Nickel)

“Money is the root of all good times.”
Before The Chemical Buddha was able to turn his lifestyle into a lucrative means of supporting himself, his life was in the shitter. He could no longer afford the sex, drugs, and food he’d become accustomed too. So he was relegated to huffing gas out of the neighbors car, buying Nutty Bars from the discount bread shop and masturbating. For TCB, this was his rock bottom. And while he could have blamed himself for the situation he was in, it was much easier to blame his fascist boss that made him quit. Or the greedy credit card companies who ruined his chances of getting more credit cards or even a credit limit. Yes. It was everyone else’s fault he wasn’t having a good time.
Who do you blame for your life?
What hard truths might you have to accept about yourself in order to move on?

Longing for Life

“What’s the use in living a long time if you have nothing to live for?”
As The Chemical Buddha watched his parents age, they seemed to lose interest in what was going on in their lives. In fact, everyone he saw over the age of 50 seemed to be mindlessly going through the motions. He wondered, other than debt and a feeling of obligation, why those people got out of bed in the morning? TCB was drawn by the call of new and wondrous drugs and sex partners. Not to mention all the new types of junk food those multi-national companies were cranking out. To TCB, life was good. In fact, he didn’t like going to sleep out of fear he would miss something new and cool.
What motivates you? Why do you get out of bed in the morning?
What do you like about your life?

Guesstimate

“We're all just guessing.”
When it comes to life and what’s after life, The Chemical Buddha realized that everyone’s advice was just a guess. No one knows what you should or shouldn’t do. What death will and will not be like. They might have an opinion based on their experience and best thoughts. But does anyone really know what the hell is going on with themselves? Let alone with someone else’s life? The Chemical Buddha found it curious how people were always more willing to tell others how to live, than they were to actually do anything about their own life situation. So when people tried to ‘help’ TCB by offering their advice, he would reply with the above insight. It at least seemed to stop people from pestering him.
How much of your life do you spend guessing?
Do you offer people advice on how to live? Do you follow the advice of others?

Little Run Away

“You may be able to outrun the cops, but you can't outrun their radios.”
The Chemical Buddha discovered there are some things that have to be experienced before they can be truly learned. And this one he learned the hard way. By that we mean the lesson was as hard as the asphalt the arresting officers threw him down on. As TCB laid there with his hands cuffed behind his back, he realized he would have just been better off stopping and taking the consequences, rather than trying to outrun them. In fact, trying to outrun them just made the problems worse. Of course, this first learning was lost to the mists of drugs and alcohol and it would take several more ‘learning opportunities’ for The Chemical Buddha to fully integrate this insight.
What problems are you running from?
Does running make them go away? Or make them worse?

The Golden Rule

“Silence is golden. So is a golden shower.”
This actually harkens back to The Chemical Buddha’s elementary school days and, at first, was more of a call and response. It went a little something like this:
Librarian: ‘Shhh…silence is golden.’
TCB: ‘So is a golden shower.’
Which ended with a gasp and a trip to detention for our hero. The Chemical Buddha came to find out later that the librarian was into that sort of thing and she thought he knew. When The Chemical Buddha found out, he was shocked. If he’d known he would have been happy to piss on her. He was also shocked because TCB felt it was more important to be the same person all the time, than to try and be two different people. That sounded a lot more difficult and confusing.
Do you think you’re the same person in every situation?
If not, what parts of your life are you trying to hide? If so, would you be better served by being the person the situation calls for?

Dam it

“Sometimes you eat the beaver. Sometimes the beaver eats you.”
The Chemical Buddha thought this little nugget was gold when he first said it. First, it’s a nice twist on the old "sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you" idea and second, it involved sex. And sex was always one of his favorite topics. Right up there with food and drugs. Of course, if TCB were going to make the quote more accurate it would have been something like: ‘I rarely eat the beaver. Most of the times, the beaver eats me.’ But what fun was that? At least it seems like he sometimes did it which, while inaccurate, made him at least look more balanced. And when TCB couldn’t be enlightened, he at least wanted to look like he was.
Where are you out of balance in your life?
Where do you want your life to look different than it actually is?

Buzz, Buzz

“Follow your buzz.”
Joseph Campbell coined the phrase ‘follow your bliss’ but The Chemical Buddha wondered what you were supposed to do when you bliss was a buzz? And he was especially confused about what you were supposed to do when you didn’t even really need to follow it? Because The Chemical Buddha could get all sorts of buzzable stuff delivered right to his door (along with edible and fuckable). The Chemical Buddha saw this as a big improvement over whatever the hell Campbell meant. Other than the TCB’s own insight written above, he thought at least ‘have your bliss delivered’ was an improvement over following anything around. Or, at least it was a lot less work.
What do you get enjoyment out of?
What are you willing to do to have more of it? What are you unwilling to do?

Last on Love

“What’s love got to do with it?”
The morning after Valentine’s Day, The Chemical Buddha woke up face down in a crumb filled baking pan still holding an empty Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle in each hand, unconsciously humping the floor. For whatever reason, the above words from the immortal Tina Turner were echoing in his head. And he wondered to himself, ‘Yeah, what does love have to do with it? Why can’t it just be that you have some primal urges that need satisfying? What’s so wrong with that?’ If The Chemical Buddha had more time on his hands, check that, if he cared about it more, he’d do some research into the 'idea' of love. Is it just the feeling you have after someone makes you cum? Is it a build up of shared experiences? He actually did try to figure that out. But it was just easier to invest his energy in to just finding someone to fuck.
Do you believe you’ve ever truly been in love?
If so, why do you love who and what you love?

A Date with Evil

“Even Hitler had a girlfriend.”
Historically, The Chemical Buddha didn’t have good Valentine’s Days. He’d usually end up alone, gorging himself on pot brownies and washing it down with a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. While watching a late night biography on Hitler he had the above realization. Now sure, Hitler killed her right before he killed himself. But still, Hitler, one of the evilest men in the history of the world, had a girlfriend. For The Chemical Buddha, just the act of trying to wrap his head around that idea made the room spin. He eventually figured what it meant was everyone loves someone and has someone that loves them back. TCB took heart in the fact that when his love life felt it’s darkest his ‘Hitler’ was somewhere out there waiting for him.
How do you cope when all hope feels lost?
What is the one thing you’re hoping to have happen in your life? Other than hoping, what are you doing to make it happen?

Love This

“If love is the answer, what the hell was the question?”
Unlike most, if not all Buddhists, The Chemical Buddha never believed that love was the answer to everything. He thought ‘like’ was a decent answer and so was ‘fuck buddies’ or ‘pound puppies.’ Did the answer always have to be love? As the western love holiday of Valentine’s Day approached, TCB often tried to figure out what the fuss was about. If love was the answer, did he need to love just one person or could he love every hot, attractive, fuckable person that he saw? That at least was an idea he might be able to get behind (or on top of). He could ‘love’ them, at least until he’d seen them naked and/or came. Then he would be off to find a new ‘love.’
Who/what/where do you love?
Do you think there’s a ‘right’ way to love and be loved.

Why did The Chemical Buddha Cross the Road?

“To find the middle of the road, you need to thoroughly explore the ditches.”
The Chemical Buddha saw himself as a centrist, even though his life exhibited some extreme behaviors. So we figured he considered himself a ‘middle of the road guy’ because he was constantly bouncing from one ditch to the other. So technically, he saw the middle of the road more than anything, but it was more of a flyover. Not a place he actually spent any time. The Chemical Buddha believed he needed to push himself until he found the edge of his comfort zone. Then, just to be sure, he would take a step beyond that. This would allow him to find his operating range. The only bad part was he never found that edge of discomfort and didn’t know when to pull back. In the end, death turned out to be TCB’s edge.
Where is your edge in your life? How might you benefit from stepping beyond it?
What do you think will happen if you get out of your comfort zone?

Preserved Posterior

“I’m donating my body to science while I’m still alive.”
The Chemical Buddha saw himself as science friendly. Mainly because he dabbled in chemistry. Or at least that’s what he told the cops when they asked about his beakers, Bunsen burners, and wide array of chemical compounds. He was also a fan of physiology and even participated in drug experiments (some of which were actually legitimate). In his spare time he did self-studies on various drug interactions. And this does not include all of his studies into the effects of various acts of debauchery on his emotional, physical, and mental states. Of course, we’re not sure if any of his notes will help future scientists, because when he did document his reactions, they usually consisted of words like ‘wow, cool, dude, awesome, and fuuuuuck.’
Do you think future generations will care about what you’re doing today?
How might you try to rationalize your activities under some higher purpose?

Sin to Win

“I sin so you don’t have to.”
The Chemical Buddha believed he would better connect with his audience by filling a niche. Plus, it was something that came naturally to him: sinning. While Jesus died for our sins, TCB would commit sins for people. He thought of it as a total win-win situation. Except he found that people actually liked sinning. In fact, they loved it. What they really wanted was someone to forgive them for what they did and help them feel good about themselves. But, as we’ve already discussed, Jesus (and the Catholic church) had that one covered. So The Chemical Buddha decided to become a ‘sin consultant’. Because if all sins counted the same, you might as well go all out. Why settle for taking the lord’s name in vain or coveting another man’s wife (it says nothing about coveting a woman’s husband) when you could have sex with a married dead corpse? Now you’re sinning, breaking the laws of nature, and repulsing (and titillating) the public at the same time. We're sure if TCB would have lived a little longer, he would have made one hell of a reality TV star.
Do you believe there are different levels of lies or do they all count the same?
Is a lie you tell yourself worse than a lie you tell someone else?

Owe Me? Owe You? What's the Difference?

“If we are all one, would you lend 50 bucks to yourself?”
There were lots of times The Chemical Found himself with nothing but lint in his pockets (or a hole). At those times he would try a variety of ways to panhandle for money (AKA 'fund raising'). Some were more successful than others. (For example, ‘his eat anything for a buck’ was good, but it also resulted in him eating a lot of shit (literally) among lots of other disgusting things.) Someone asked him to eat an entire yard full of leaves, but that’s just because the guy didn’t want to have to rake them up. TCB reluctantly passed on that idea, although he could have really used that dollar. Eventually he stumbled upon trying to get money by confusing people with the above insight. Because they would almost always answer ‘yes’ to which TCB would hold out his hand. He’d usually get at least $5.00 (provided his breath didn’t smell like shit from eating something for a buck).
Do you think we’re all in this together or you’re alone?
If you believe we’re all in this together, how would you treat other people and how would you want people to treat you?

As Seen on TV

“Life should be more like a beer commercial.”
After waking up one afternoon with a particularly evil hangover, The Chemical Buddha wondered why this part was never covered in beer commercials? Those people never had hangovers (or drinking problems). Plus the women were all beautiful and the men were funny, cool, and had six-pack abs. It usually took at least a case of beer before TCB thought he was funny and cool. Although it took a lot less beer before he thought every woman he saw was beautiful. However, he wasn’t sure how much they had to drink before he seemed tolerable. But he had a sneaking suspicion beer worked too slow and they needed shots instead. None of this deterred The Chemical Buddha from trying to live a beer commercial. (To be perfectly honest, he probably would have settled for living a life like a Natural Light beer poster.)
What is your dream lifestyle and do you think it’s attainable?
If so, what do you have to do to get there? If not, what to you have to accept about yourself to be OK with it?

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

“No acts of charity are truly selfless.”
The Chemical Buddha appreciated any act of charity. He was not above accepting a charity/mercy fuck. In fact, it’s safe to say most, if not all of The Chemical Buddha sexual experiences (that he didn’t pay for) were charity/mercy fucks. However, when it came to acts of charity, TCB believed people didn’t do it from an egoless place. In fact, he was pretty sure it was all driven by ego. Either to feel good about themselves or to get other people to recognize and congratulate them. And while he was pretty confident on that idea, he wasn’t sure what a true selfless act would look like. Even if Jesus was being selfless, it did lead to the founding of several religions based upon him and his teaching. Same with Buddha and Mohammad. The pagans might have been closest. They gave us some incredible festivals and no one remembers who started them or why. Except to get together and dance around naked and enjoy being alive. Which is what TCB did and is probably why he began to consider his very act of living as a selfless acts of charity.
Why are you nice to people?
Is it possible to do something for someone and not feel good about yourself or have them appreciate you for doing it? If so, what would that look like?

Inner Roommate

“Think of the inner witness as your own personal stalker.”
When The Chemical Buddha first had this thought, it sort of freaked him out. Just thinking that there was something inside of him that was aware of everything he did gave him the hee-bee-jee-bees. Buddhists believe everything happens in awareness and so awareness is all that is. After he drank so much he blacked out for three days, TCB came to in a fog and realized that having an inner witness meant he was never alone. This insight provided him with a sense of comfort because it meant at least someone cared about what was going on in his life. And he didn’t have to get a restraining order. Or, more correctly, he wasn’t sure what he’d be trying to restrain. He did put some thought into getting his ‘inner roommate’ to pay rent or at least do dishes.
If the only person you have to live with is you, what does your inner roommate think of you?
What lies do you tell yourself and what is their impact on you?

Death is Always Looking for People

“Death is an equal opportunity employer.”
Although The Chemical Buddha had several money earning ideas in the works, he started to get a little worried about how he was going to buy his drugs, hookers and Twinkies. As he contemplated how easy the rich have it, he realized that rich or poor, we all die. This line of thinking submarined any goals he had of becoming rich, because, what did it matter? He would die someday anyway. As a result he focused more on living and less on earning one. (Which didn’t make sense to him anyway. Because how does one earn a living if you’re already alive?) It was stupid shit like this that The Chemical Buddha pondered in between bong hits and shots.
Are you alive or just earning a living?
What is the end goal of what you are trying to earn?

Spiritually Bankrupt

“Jesus saves. Chemical Buddha owes.”
The Chemical Buddha would always see the words ‘Jesus Saves’ and he couldn’t ever figure out what that meant. Did it mean Jesus saves money? Coupons? Baby seals? What exactly does he save? If it was money, TCB couldn’t see the benefit of doing that. Every dollar that was in his pocket was a dollar that could be out making sure he was having a good time. The Chemical Buddha would also borrow against the future to have a good time now. His thinking is summed up in the simple idea: ‘I always eat my dessert first, because I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to make it the end of the meal.’ In fact, TCB was so in the now, he didn’t think about the future at all. And once he got there, he was always surprised at how fucked up everything was.
What do you think about the most? The past? The present? Or the future?
How does that influence your level of satisfaction with your life?

3 Easy Payments of $19.99 Plus S&H

“Infomercials ruined my life.”
Now that The Chemical Buddha had so much time on his hands, he found TV and drugs to be a dangerous, and expensive, cocktail. After one particular late night of imbibing and watching late night TV informercials, The Chemical Buddha found himself thousands of dollars in debt (all broken out into 3 low payments) thanks to Ron Popeil and his fabulous Ronco products. Then there was his purchases from QVC, because everyone needs the complete set Good Times ceramic figurines and theater quality Fraggle Rock puppets. The Chemical Buddha was particularly excited about the puppets and even had them shipped express. He was sure they would help him ‘wow!’ the ladies at his neighborhood bar. However, history would show this was yet another thing TCB was wrong about.
Who has persuaded you with their words and lured you in with their promise of flatter abs and a blender that can grind up concrete?
What do you fall for every time, only to experience buyers remorse when you have time to think about it?

Sinner for Hire

“Professional sinner.”
After The Chemical Buddha tried, unsuccessfully, to find someone to pay him to watch TV he stumbled upon an idea that would ultimately bring him to the Promised Land. The Chemical Buddha decided to become a professional sinner. His business plan was simple. People would pay him money to sin on their behalf. He would document it with photos and videos and they could pretend it was them partaking in all of the debauchery. Believe it or not, this plan worked fairly well until people started seeing TCB’s bloated, pale white, hairless, naked body in photos and on film. The Chemical Buddha was also somewhat of a sloppy wiper so it’s safe to say no one enjoyed TCB’s new business venture but him.
What do you enjoy at the expense of others?
Do you notice (or care) if they’re having as much fun as you or do you just ignore their reactions?

Remote Control

“Born to watch TV.”
After getting fired from his first vocation, The Chemical Buddha was forced to find other things to do. (OK, it actually wasn’t that hard for him to find things to do, he just did what he used to do before he had a job.) After he smoked a few bowls, he started to think maybe his whole purpose was to just watch TV. Because if no one watched it, would it exist? As his brain started to wrap around this idea, he realized he still needed to figure out a way to pay for the drugs, food, and sex he desired. His ideal was to find someone to pay him to watch TV, but what were the chances of that? And would he like watching TV if it suddenly became his job? He decided that was a risk he was willing to take and placed a job wanted ad in the paper and on craigslist.
What do you feel like you were born to do?
What do you enjoy about it?