Happy Birthday to Me

"Only count the birthdays you remember."
When reviewing his life, The Chemical Buddha realized he only remembered bits and pieces of two or three birthdays. His trip down memory lane, led to what would become one of his most powerful insights. Because as The Chemical Buddha grew older, he used it to not only cope with the inevitable creep of age. (Although he insisted he was only 2 or 3.) Eventually, he started applying this line of thinking to other areas of his life, creating what he called a 'memory of convenience.' His new take on memory allowed him to remember only what he wanted to or what was convenient for him to remember. Like people who owed him money or drugs or sex. More importantly, it also allowed him to forget what he owed people.
What do you conveniently remember and forget?
What big promise have you made to yourself, but not done yet?

You're Fucked.

"Since we are all one, when you have sex with another you're actually fucking yourself."
When The Chemical Buddha was first caught on top of someone other than his girlfriend, he quickly came up with this insight. Unfortunately, neither she nor his new trampoline bought it. (He figured it was worth going for a threesome, since he was assured of getting absolutely nothing. You'll find TCB came up with several insights from this one event.) So, like this insight says, he actually did fuck himself. In this case he fucked himself out of two people who were willing to sleep with him in one fell swoop. During the rest of his life, he was unable to find two people willing to fuck him for free. But he didn't really care at the time.
How does your cavalier attitude about things fuck you over?
What one choice from your past do you now regret making?

Drink Up!

"You need to release all attachments to consciousness and become truly unconscious."
As the only lineage holder of the Enlightenment Through Pharmaceuticals school of Buddhism, The Chemical Buddha taught his students that to feel one with the all, they had to release their attachment to consciousness and become unconscious. To achieve this goal, he recommended three paths to total unconsciousness: beer, spirits and wine. There were other ways to reach the desired level, but they weren't as easily controlled and deemed too dangerous for novices. Only after reaching the level of Master, did he allow his students to try heroin and plastic bags. So unless you're under the care of an accredited Enlightenment Through Pharmaceuticals Master (look for their framed certificate prominently displayed on the wall of their cardboard box) do not attempt.
What are you attached to?
How do your attachments keep you from advancing in your life?

Bubble Wrap Needed

"Very few people who hit bottom bounce. Most break."
The downside to The Chemical Buddha’s 'Bottoms Up Insight' was that most people were too fragile to actually do it. Somewhere along the way, they would break up and not be able to continue. Some even died in their attempt to let go of everything. Or, put another way, they truly let go of everything. Even life. While others either clung to their fear of what people thought or the crippling codependence on any and everything around them. In fact, those that couldn't let go, just took the few lessons they learned and retreated further into their shells. Deciding they would rather be miserable than take a chance at freedom and happiness. The Chemical Buddha didn't have patience for these, "Chicken shits." He chose to live his life as an example of what can happen if you just say, "What the fuck? Let’s try this." I think his results speak for themselves.
Are you happy where you are? If not, what one thing can you say, "What the fuck?" to this week?
What is the biggest fear that holds you back?

Bottoms Up Insight

"To reach higher levels of consciousness, sometimes you have to hit bottom."
The Chemical Buddha believed that the things we had in out lives kept us stuck right where we were. For instance, we can't quit our suck ass jobs because we have bills to pay. We can't leave our bad relationships because we'd be alone and have to start all over. The Chemical Buddha believed only a series of horrendous life events could strip everything away and make us realize what truly mattered. By losing it all, we would be able to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives. It was only then that we might realize what we thought we were chasing wasn't really worth having. Or, what we thought we wanted, didn't make us happy or fulfilled. Sometimes the bottom is the only way up. Or, as The Chemical Buddha would succinctly say before draining whatever drink was in his hand, "Bottoms up."
When you strip away all the things you use to define yourself, who are you?
What is the most important thing in your life and how does it help you? How does it hold you back?

Charge!

"I consume, therefore, I am."
The Chemical Buddha believed anything that consumed was alive. He therefore consumed a lot and was, in theory, very much alive. Conversely, anything that didn't consume, wasn't alive. In fact, it was probably waiting to be consumed. So if you could set up some way to continue to buy things (or have a book written of your teachings), even after your physical death, were you still among the living? As we enter this holiday season, it's important to show our friends, family, and neighbors that we exist more than they do by consuming as much as possible. Debt, swollen bellies, and a house filled with crap no one pays attention to after the first few hours be damned. What's important is that your family has more presents and gaudy decorations than everyone else. The Chemical Buddha believed that was the true holiday spirit.
How do you define yourself?
Does the way you define yourself help you, keep you stuck or both? How?

Excessive Moderation

"Moderation in all things, except for sex, drugs and food."
While The Chemical Buddha found it easy to not do the things his brain didn't enjoy (for instance, he believed in being moderately clean, responsible, and accountable) it was extremely difficult to not excessively do what his brain did enjoy. That's because the brain always craves more of what brings it pleasure. More sex. More drugs. More food. And ego always craves something new and exciting. But, no matter how much The Chemical Buddha chased it, he found it was virtually impossible to get back to the thrill and experience of that first time. Your first orgasm is always the best. Your first high. Your first taste of your favorite food. Everything after is a mere shadow, so you have to increase the dosage to get the same affect. Which is why we're suckers for 'new'. Luckily, no one takes advantage of that by trying to sell us new products, diets, self-help books or religious movements.
What are you chasing?
How will you know when you have enough?

Saved Psychos

"It's easier to love the world when you don't have to interact with it."
The Chemical Buddha was pretty sure you wouldn't find a guru in New York City who reached enlightenment in NYC. Most of them did it living alone, on mountaintops where they never interacted with people. So of course those spiritual people loved everyone. They never had to talk to them, get stuck behind them in line or listen to their loud parties at all hours of the night. The Chemical Buddha theorized that if one had to live life jammed among people you'd be more likely to be a psycho killer than an enlightened being. That's why he saw his enlightenment through pharmaceutical movement as necessary for man's spiritual salvation and the next step in our evolution.
When you get tired of people, how do you disengage?
In what ways do you treat strangers different from your friends?

WTF?

"The only time I don't think about sex is when I'm having sex."
Like most religious leaders, The Chemical Buddha was obsessed with sex. Although he noticed that when he was in the flow (or one with his purpose) he didn't have to think. But rather, he could just be. In these instances, the dancer became the dance. The artist became the art. And as we've discussed in an earlier reading, if he thought about sex while he was having sex he was finished. In this flow (or zone as athletes like to call it) time seemed to stand still. And yet entire hours and days could pass in what would seem like an instant. This showed the fluidity of time and how it could expand and contract depending upon what was happening. So in the case of sex, the fucker became the fuck. While in the act, The Chemical Buddha thought he lasted hours. But his partner informed him it was actually less than a minute. So when you can, use the fluidity of time to your advantage.
What do you not think about and what's the effect of your not thinking on you and your relationships?
What do you obsess over and what's the impact of your obsession?

Compacted

"To your mouth, shit is the past it doesn't even recognize. To your colon, shit is what's happening now. But to your asshole, shit is the future!"
Perspective was everything to The Chemical Buddha. In fact, two people could experience the same thing at the exact same time and have completely different opinions about it. For example, while one person was participating in a romantic evening of 'aggressive and rough sex,' the other person might claim she was 'date raped.' The Chemical Buddha tried to explain this possibility of different view points to the judge and prosecuting attorney, but he was still sentenced to four years in jail. Where he learned that what he called 'anal rape' was considered a 'good time' by his fellow inmates. It was then he found one's perspective of a sex act sometimes depended upon whether one was catching or pitching. Once he was able to actually take a shit again, he penned the above insight to help him remember to see a bigger view.
Do you see things from your perspective or can you also relate to the views of others?
How might having a bigger view of a given situation help you react differently?

I Don't Need You

"If you live for today, make sure your credit card payments aren't due 'til tomorrow."
I can't tell you how many times The Chemical Buddha was pissed off he managed to live through the night. This was usually after he came home totally wasted and bought a bunch of shit off the Internet that he, "Couldn’t live without." When he awoke in the afternoon, he always knew the bills were coming due. Which usually just resulted in him trying to forget his problems by getting totally shit faced all over again. So he created a never-ending cycle that he couldn't get out of. Truth be known, he really didn't want to get out of it, but if you tried to tell him that, he'd just get really pissed off.
How do you act when people give you feedback?
What if what they say is true? Is it easier to find new friends or change your behavior?

Any Way the Wind Blows

"You can either change your life yourself or have it change around you."
The Chemical Buddha met people who seemed hell bent on keeping their lives the same. Sometimes, not only did they want to keep it the same, but they didn't want anything to change. Or they wanted to take it back to, "When they were kids." When TCB tried to live in the past, it took waaaay more energy to keep things from changing then it did to just to go with the flow. (And at his core, The Chemical Buddha was pretty lazy.) So wherever life took him, he was more than happy to go. Which is why he would wake up sunburned on the beach in Florida one day and wearing his swim suit on a Cleveland park bench the next. Not only could he not be counted on to show up where he was supposed to be, but he also wasn't any good at deciding what movie he wanted to see or where he wanted to eat.
How does going with the flow keep you from taking a stand? What do you want to stand for?
What parts of your life need to change for you to start living the life you want?

The TV Told me to

"The body is a series of electro-chemical reactions. I’m just enhancing my chemistry."
When it comes right down to it, how we see the word is based on electrical impulses and chemical reactions created within. If anyone has ever fucked with their own chemical make up, like The Chemical Buddha, they know this to be true. For instance, with the right blend of chemicals it's possible to make ugly people suddenly seem more attractive, funny and downright desirable. Walls that seemed solid appear to sway and/or melt. And the biggest pansies become pain resistant and brave. To The Chemical Buddha, taking drugs wasn't a bad thing. He was merely trying to visit different realities while staying here. (At least he thought he was still here.) The Chemical Buddha believed, like the old TV commercial, he literally represented better living through chemistry.
How can you make better use of what you already naturally posses?
Do you ask for help? If not, how might help from others benefit you?

All That and a Bag of Chips

"If we're all one, right now, I'm having sex with myself, while being born and dying."
Across the planet, everything is happening in every moment. Because of that The Chemical Buddha believed that we had everything we needed to accomplish our dreams. The secret was being still enough to allow the collective unconscious to unfold. And while he would often be in a drug-induced coma for days, he was never quite able to get there. Instead, he had to settle for whatever his chemically enhanced brain would come up with. Although he did discover the magic of the groupthink when he and his followers got seriously baked. The real question was how to get everyone stoned at once so we could tap into the collective and figure out life's big mysteries. (Not to mention lay waste to the global supply of Doritos and Cheetos.)
What if you acknowledged you actually had everything you needed right now? How would your life be different?
What keeps you from fully trusting yourself in this moment?

Chained Heat

"Since we're all one, as long as one of us is sober, we all are."
Or at least that's what The Chemical Buddha tried to tell the police officer standing outside his car window. We're not sure if the officer didn't understand the concept The Chemical Buddha was trying to convey to him or if he couldn't make sense of TCB's slurred speech. It was probably the former, because the judge and prosecuting attorney didn't get it either and The Chemical Buddha was more sober (and less slurry) when he explained it to them. Even after sentencing, TCB insisted that as long as someone was imprisoned we all were. So he should allowed to be released. To which the judge replied, "Good idea. We've decided you're the one who's going to jail so everyone else can be free."
How do you try to get people to agree to your version of reality?
What stories do you tell yourself to rationalize how you see things?

Deep Shit

"If you can't reach enlightenment, maybe your bulb is burned out."
Several of The Chemical Buddha's followers thought they couldn't reach the same level of awareness as their master. However, The Chemical Buddha believed the path to oneness required more than just altering your reality. The dancer must become the dance. The artist must become the art. Only through stepping into the flow could one attain what they sought. So he pushed them to see that what they were good at (like oral sex or joint rolling) was actually a part of all that is. But still they resisted because they didn't see the worthwhileness of their talents. It was only after stripping everything else away did they understand how to attain the connection they sought. For example, The Chemical Buddha was good at overdosing and puking. For him, achieving oneness was not knowing where he ended and the puke began. His followers eventually found that by fully embracing their uniqueness they too could make progress toward the divine expression within.
What talent are you ignoring in favor of one that you think other people value?
How do you discount what you're good at and what is the cost to you?

Better Sorry Than Safe

"Most are afraid of living, not dying."
Playing it safe was never a motto of The Chemical Buddha. He wasn't afraid to embarrass himself because he was all about enjoying the now. Although he encountered people who seemed obsessed with playing it safe and doing whatever it took to keep from being made fun of. And while The Chemical Buddha was sometimes laughed at for his exploits, he found the rewards of going (and getting) after what he wanted far outweighed any potential fall from grace. (Besides, if he actually fell from grace he didn't have far to fall.) For example, no matter how many drinks he had thrown in his face, The Chemical Buddha would ask every woman in the bar if she wanted to fuck until he found one that said, "Yes." The reward of sex far outweighed any shame or ridicule he might have felt. Plus, the fact he was really, really drunk, insured he didn't feel much of anything.
How does playing it safe in your life keep you from getting what you want?
Would you rather look like a fool and get what you want or look reasonable and not get it?

Polish This

"When you polish a turd all you end up with is shiny shit."
The Chemical Buddha noticed people invested lots of their time following bad ideas/relationships/situations. And that the results usually ended up where they were going to go anyway. People just seemed to want to draw out the pain and suffering. Personally, he preferred to cut his losses before anything went bad. His detached, uninterested perspective meant people invested a lot of their time and energy trying to get him to like them. Which should serve as a reminder that, when given the choice, it's always better to be the turd than the turd polisher.
Does overworking an already bad situation make it better or worse?
What in your life do you spend way too much time trying to fix when you might be better off just letting go?

Space for Rent

"One can never be truly full of life until every orifice is full of life."
Some people just seem to be more full of life. While others seem to be all but dead. The Chemical Buddha spent a lot of time trying to figure out why some seemed more than alive and others didn't. He decided it either had to do with what you had inside you, or what you had placed inside you. Because, let's face it, the women in pornos (and porn is a reflection of real life) always seemed way more energetic when they had a dick in every possible orifice than those that didn't. So that must be the key. Sadly, when The Chemical Buddha had a living thing inserted into each one of his orifices he actually wished he was dead. But, "One can never be truly full of death until every orifice is full of life," didn't make a very good quote, so he just left it and tried to forget the horror of what he'd experienced.
How do you delude yourself with unattainable fantasies?
Who pays the price when your real life doesn't measure up to your expectations?

De Nile is a River in Egypt

"By calling yourself 'enlightened' you can get away with anything."
This realization was one of The Chemical Buddha’s favorite things about attaining enlightenment. His followers would pass off all of his bizarre behaviors they didn't understand as things that enlightened beings do.
Did he fuck your wife? Well, he’s an awakened one.
Catch him pawning your stuff to buy drugs? That crazy Chemical Buddha! He’s sooo enlightened.
Who are you to question why he penetrated your glazed donut with his dick? He understands things beyond understanding.
Did he cum on your face while you were asleep? I'm sure he's just trying to show you the way.
How do you excuse/justify your behavior and the behavior of others?
What do you think would happen if you were accountable and took responsibility for everything you did?

Cum Here Now

"The fastest way to cum is to think about sex while you're having sex."
The Chemical Buddha never had much sexual stamina, and he had even less when he actually thought about what he was doing. He found this applied to a lot of areas in his life. As in, when he thought about things he only seemed to ruin it. But if he went with the flow, he enjoyed himself a lot more. In fact, people around him thought he was wise, tolerant and patient because he never reacted to put downs or stressful situations. The truth was he usually didn't know what was going on. Let's face it, The Chemical Buddha was rarely accused of over thinking. Rather, he was usually accused of not thinking at all. That's because most of his thoughts were about what he could put in his mouth or bloodstream. (Except when he was thinking about putting his dick in something or someone.)
What things in your life do you over-think?
Does over-thinking make the situation turn out better or worse than it would have normally?

Hit This

"I want to get something straight between you and me."
Yet another one of The Chemical Buddha's favorite pick up lines. Of course, most of the women that were remotely interested in him, weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. So they missed the subtle innuendo of his line. Which meant he usually had to resort to pantomime and hand gestures. Part of the problem was the fact that he didn't communicate clearly. Of course, it was also good at helping weed out the ones that were too smart. Because if they understood him, he usually got punched. Looking back, he probably would have been a lot better off just asking them to fuck. Or better yet just waiting until they passed out and then dragging them home.
Are you direct with your feedback to others? Why or why not?
What do you think will happen if you talked directly to people?

Who Am I Again?

"If you don't remember your first time, are you still a virgin?"
The Buddhists try to approach every moment with 'beginner's mind' or as if they've never done it before, so they see it fresh. There were plenty of events The Chemical Buddha didn't remember. Like women he had slept with. Or how he ended up in the front yard covered in puke. So he constantly had what he called 'The Chemical Buddha mind'. In fact, he had TCB mind when it came to tying his shoes, using a spoon or even going to the bathroom. (I can't remember how many times yours truly had to clean him up after he'd soiled himself. For future reference, a garden hose with a high-pressure nozzle works wonders.) Which led The Chemical Buddha to wonder, if he didn't remember an event, did it happen? For example, he didn't remember much of his childhood, but he knew he wasn't a child. Or at least he was pretty sure he wasn't a child.
What from your life are you trying to forget?
How might approaching a routine situation with beginner's mind, help you see it anew?

Eat Your Vegetables

"Plants are lucky. They can eat, sleep and reproduce all at the same time."
The Chemical Buddha was always jealous of plants because they got to do all the stuff he wanted to do. (And in public no less.) Although The Chemical Buddha had fallen asleep during sex, eaten in his sleep and eaten during sex. The closest he ever came to being plant-like was fucking and eating while being half asleep. So when he heard people were in a vegetative state, he was happy for them. But that was before he realized that while they were eating (through a tube) and sleeping (AKA in a coma) they couldn't enjoy sex or even feel it. So he was much less excited about trying to achieve his own vegetative state. He instead focused his vegetable envy on the length and girth of grocery store cucumbers.
Who are you jealous of and why?
Is it possible that what you have right now is what's best for you?

Wrap That Wrascal

"To a man, protection is a padded headboard."
Men are different than women. They see the world differently and they have different priorities. So it should come as no surprise that The Chemical Buddha had a very different idea of what protection meant. And for years, he thought the fact that his headboard was padded was all he needed when women asked if he had 'protection'. Sadly, after catching and then passing on numerous STDs, he finally figured out what they were really talking about. But by then he didn't care, so he lied. And while The Chemical Buddha is no longer among us, strains of his STDs live on and are still passed around to this day. In fact, we're sure The Chemical Buddha would think it was fitting that he lived on through his venereal diseases.
How do your views of the world differ from those around you?
In what ways do you protect yourself? And does it help or hinder your ability to connect with others?

Way to Go

"I don’t have a death wish. I just like living so much it might end up killing me."
The Chemical Buddha wanted to experience everything life had to offer. In fact, he drank, smoked, snorted, injected or ingested as much life as he could. And despite numerous health problems, he kept doing whatever he pleased right up until the time of his death. He literally died as he lived. (See "About The Elvis of Enlightenment" to the right.) During his time among us, The Chemical Buddha noticed most people spent their lives doing stuff they didn't want to do. He thought, "Who wants to die pushing papers, filling out forms or sitting in on a conference call?" He seriously doubted anyone ever said from their deathbed, "Wait! I need to read one more email before I go!" When instead, they could scar their sex partner(s) for life, by dying in mid-thrust like he did.
What behavior, that you know isn't good for, do you continue to do and why?
How long do you think you're really going to live?

Urban Camping

"I complained because I had no bong, until I met a man who had no pot."
The moment that inspired the above insight humbled The Chemical Buddha. (Well, at least it did after he stopped gloating and laughing at the poor bastard.) Because it showed him that no matter how bad things were, there was always someone who was worse off. And that made him feel a lot better about the roadblocks he was encountering on his journey. In fact, The Chemical Buddha started making a habit of eating at the local soup kitchen so he could be around people who were down on their luck. It also didn't hurt that he got a free meal out of it. During this time he formed the opinion that he was better off than the average homeless person. (Or at least better off than the ones that didn't have a heating grate to sleep on. Because those guys had it made.)
How might a different perspective help you see your life differently?
Will the issues in your life matter in 2 weeks? A month? 6 months? A year? What can you do to put today's issue into its proper perspective?

Putting the Cock in Cocktail

"If you don’t get drunk, how am I supposed to get laid?"
The Chemical Buddha knew the best way to get into a woman's pants wasn't with smooth talk or a fat wallet. The real secret was b-o-o-z-e. Especially girlie shots where she couldn't taste the alcohol. Then he just needed to seem non-threatening and move in for the kiss and the, "Let’s go someplace else." The Chemical Buddha noticed people usually needed some sort of excuse for doing what they already wanted to do. So they could say, "I was really drunk," and therefore avoid responsibility for what they did under the influence. He became the perfect "Oh my God I slept with you!?! I’m never drinking/smoking/taking that much again!" morning after guy. In fact, only Betty Ford has helped more people get sober than waking up next to The Chemical Buddha.
Are you aware of how other people try to manipulate you?
How do you excuse your behavior?

Pee Pee Dance

"I'd let you pee on my face just to see where it came from."
The Chemical Buddha was pretty proud of this pick up line when he first started using it. The only downside was, when it worked, he had to let them pee on his face. And most of those people just did it because they liked peeing on people, not because they were attracted to The Chemical Buddha. Especially after he was soaked in urine. He also discovered that urine stings when you get it in your eyes. Oh, and it's possible to get your picture posted on lots of medical websites when you get gonorrhea of the eyes and nose. Good times.
How has being clever just for the sake of being clever backfired?
How might your own pride keep you from seeing what's really happening?

Pay to Play

"Because we are all one, you actually knocked yourself up. And I shouldn't be required to pay child support to myself."
During The Chemical Buddha's various states of 'enlightenment', he spilled his seed all over the place. Months later, when a woman he'd never seen before showed up with a baby that looked like him (but then, don't all babies look like The Chemical Buddha?) he would try to use this defense to keep from paying child support. When the fact he didn't have a job and no visible assets actually did a much better job of swaying the court. Of course, he always got a court order to get (and keep) a job. There were rare occasions a farmer would show up claiming The Chemical Buddha had knocked up one of his sheep, but that's a story for another time. (December 29th to be exact.)
How does seeing yourself as separate from everything around you keep you from taking responsibility for what's going on?
How would things be different if we all cared for each other as we'd care for ourselves?