Drink in the Enligtenment

"I thought I was enlightened. Then I sobered up."
The Chemical Buddha thought he was a lot of things while he was drunk: smart, funny, attractive, bulletproof and enlightened. (A crude definition of enlightenment is to know.) Once he reached enlightenment he knew he was none of these things. But he also became aware that other drunk people thought he was all of these things. Especially right before they passed out. So he turned his attention to learning how to keep people drunk enough to think he was awesome, but sober enough to keep them from blacking out. It was then that he turned his studies away from alcohol and more towards the hallucinogenic and cannabis realms. These seemed to offer the best combination for him and his followers.
Does who you think you are and who other people think you are match?
What would have to change for those to match?

Erector Set

"Maybe too drunk, but never too old."
Granted, The Chemical Buddha didn't live past the age of 25 but, as discussed, his lifestyle aged him horribly. Of course, thanks to all the erectile dysfunction drugs available today, we're not even sure if this insight is still true or not. Because although you're not supposed to take ED drugs when drinking (and we're not about to recommend it either) one can hypothesize they would still do the job. Of course, the only problem with drinking is you'd have a case of whiskey dick and not a lot of stamina. And whiskey dick and a lack of stamina is something TCB knew a little bit about. (OK, a lot.) So if you're able to get it up, you might have trouble getting it off. To The Chemical Buddha anytime it took longer than 30 seconds, he was too pooped to pop and would just stop. Of course he would still ask for a blowjob.
What in you life do you give up on too early?
How do you sabotage yourself so you’re unable to give your maximum performance?

Daaady?

"Those who think fucking sheep is wrong have obviously never tried it."
The Chemical Buddha noticed how people formed opinions about stuff they never experienced. Like how some dismissed a movie or a book without ever seeing it. Or deciding they wouldn't like a food or drink just by the name. To him, this was the very essence of prejudice (or pre-judgment). To the TCB, prejudices seemed shortsighted and small minded. Not to mention, limiting one's chances to experience something new. That's why he applied an open mind to sex and drugs. He was at least willing to try something before dismissing it. In fact, when it came to sex, he decided it was all pink on the inside. Of course, there were a lot of occasions he would get stuck (literally) in some compromising positions. Not to mention all of the times he was caught out in a pasture with his pants down. Or had a farmer at his front door claiming he had knocked up one of his sheep. But of course, that was medically impossible. Besides, he'd tell the farmer he used a sheepskin condom. (He failed to mention the sheep was the condom.)
What do you have pre-judgments about?
How many times have you not tried something new based on your prejudices?

Brew Mastur-Bater

"The only bad thing about going to work drunk is that when you sober up, you're at work."
On the few occasions The Chemical Buddha was gainfully employed, he would often have a little sip or toke to make the job easier to put up with. And it was fun for a little while. Except when he'd sober up. Then it was excruciating. Not only was he now sober but he was at work too. Quite possibly the worse combination imaginable. The reason TCB was only occasionally employed is because his work performance would go right in the toilet when he sobered up. Of course, he did love the job he had at the brewery. However, he got fired from that job because he was caught taking 5 cases of beer home. They didn't believe his story of taking some work home with him. But that aside, it was the only time he combined what he loved with making money. That and the time he launched his website: Watch TCB Masturbate.
Do you do things you don't like to do? If so, how do you motivate yourself?
What do you love to do? Could you earn a living doing what you love?

Past Perfect Tense

"People always think the past was simpler. But as far as I can tell, they still lied, cheated and killed each other back then too."
The Chemical Buddha couldn't figure out what the fascination with the past or the good ol’ days was about. Yes, things were simpler then. As in you had to take what you could get. Plagues from God could just wipe you out. Or people would torture you trying to get you to worship their God(s). People still killed each other. Did unspeakable things to children and the old. Cheated on their wives and most of the STDs we have today are from back then. No, now is best time to be alive. With designer drugs, internet porn, and you can be scarred for life without ever leaving the security of your four walls. People have always done this stuff and as far as The Chemical Buddha could tell, always would. Maybe not as a society or culture, but individually people will continue to hurt each other. So we might as well enjoy all of the comforts we have.
What part of your past do you cling to and what is the cost to you and your happiness?
Someone once said, "True forgiveness is not wishing for a better past." What one thing do you need to let go of to forgive yourself and others?

I've Got Mono

"Christianity started as a cult."
In the early years of his enlightenment through pharmaceuticals movement, The Chemical Buddha was subject to lots of questions, skepticism and even ridicule. He was called names like stoner, burn out and fatso. But he slowly won over converts because he had connections to some of the best weed in town. As more and more people came around to his way of thinking, TCB started to pick up quite a few followers. (As long as you consider one, 'a few'.) Because of his persecution, The Chemical Buddha felt like he could relate to what Jesus, the early Christians, and the first monotheists must have gone through. All of the great thinkers and rebels were feared when they first introduced their ideas. But they all managed to bend society to their will. Eventually. At least, that's what he and I kept telling ourselves.
What new ideas have you dismissed as too stupid or risky?
How do you keep yourself stuck by not trying something different?

iPhone Jesus

"We use the latest technology and a 2,000 year-old belief system."
One of the things that really stumped the Chemical Buddha was how we sought out the latest gizmos and gadgets to help our life, yet we let beliefs that were at least thousands of years old guide us. If technology had changed, hadn't life changed too? Granted, life, like technology, was built on what came before but that was no excuse to not cut your hair, not eat shellfish, not fuck your neighbor. That's why The Chemical Buddha believed our social morays should advance with technology. It should be OK to take a shit in the top tank of someone's toilet you despise. You should be able to eat as much as you want. (Who knows when you’re going to again?) That’s why he also subscribed to the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young song "Love The One You’re With." Now there was an advancement worth going after.
What beliefs from the past do you hold onto and what's the impact on your life?
How do you distract yourself with following the new and improved and still being happy with what you have?

¢hri$tmas Eve

"Consumerism is the new religion."
On the eve of one of Christianities biggest holidays, The Chemical Buddha would like to add his voice to all of those thinking it's too commercial. Of course, TCB usually used this as an excuse to not buy people gifts, but he was OK accepting them. However, he did believe when the talk of Christmas sales became newsworthy and people started camping outside and even beating each other to get a gift, things had gone too far. Christmas had disintegrated into a holiday holy war. Which was fed by companies counting on the holiday to turn a profit. He wasn't sure what the difference was between the pursuit of spiritual salvation and the year's hot new toy. The more he thought about it, the more he thought there wasn't any. And he would loudly tell you this from his bar stool at the local watering hole. Especially when he was by himself on Christmas. He'd also tell you Buddhist didn't believe in Christmas in one breath and ask you to buy him a Christmas shot in the next.
What do you religiously follow?
What has the impact been on your life following something so devotedly?

Know It All

"I'm Eggnogstic."
The Chemical Buddha was often asked if he believed in God or the virgin birth of Jesus. Since, he was an enlightened one, he wanted to have an answer. So he would reply, "There is much you don't know." He thought that seemed like a solid answer and didn't commit him to anything. Besides, he'd hear that those who didn't know were called eggnogstic. Which he thought was weird, but made since to him because people always talked about God and Jesus around the prime eggnog serving season of Christmas. Personally, he loved eggnog for the rum. Little did he realize, that he had coined a new term and real agnostics thought he was making fun of them. One time, he expressed his shock at seeing an agnostic drinking eggnog by saying, "I thought you were eggnostic." After which he was beaten about the head and shoulders with a plastic nativity scene baby Jesus. He was able to appreciate the irony.
What do you think you know?
How has thinking you know, rather than actually knowing, created misunderstandings in your life?

Size Matters

"If you want a bigger dick or, for that matter, boobs, date people with small hands."
The Chemical Buddha got this idea when he was with a woman whose hands were larger than his. (At least he thought she was a woman but just with large hands…and…uh…an Adam's apple. On second thought.) He noticed how small his dick looked in her hands. Feeling slightly less than, he resolved at that moment to only 'date' women with hands that were at least the same size as his if not smaller. And just so he didn’'t appear sexist, he also figured the same would work for women's boobs. The only problem is, those small hands would make everything else seem bigger too. Like your ass or love handles. Of course, TCB didn't care about any of that stuff, but you might. The ideal would be to fuck people with one small hand and one large hand. Of course, that seems a little harder to arrange.
What parts of your life do you make bigger than they need to be?
What parts would be better if you made them smaller?

Love Addiction

"People make really bad decisions while high on love."
The Chemical Buddha couldn't figure out why people weren't charged for being under the influence of love. To him, eople always seemed to do stupid stuff while high on love: commit murder, get married and so on. However, The Chemical Buddha would concede that many songs, poems and art were made to impress potential mates. So if not for love we would all still be living in caves, smoking pot and having sex. No advancements in civilization. Just lots of free time doing what we wanted to do. Of course, this conflicted with his thought that women controlled all of the pussy and therefore in the pursuit of their pussy modern civilization arose. (So to speak.) If possible, follow The Chemical Buddha's line of thinking. Men want pussy. Women have pussy. To impress women, men would outdo each other to get to the pussy. Therefore, all advancements made in civilization were made in the pursuit of pussy. Of course, this explains heterosexual pursuit. What about homosexual? This question made The Chemical Buddha reconsider his pussy = modern civilization and he decided horniness = civilization made more sense. Or at least it made sense to TCB. But he was really high at the time. Except it wasn't on love.
When have you made bad choices in your life?
What influenced you to choose what you choose?

Passion of the Buddha

"Happily letting my life go to pot. (And other drugs.)"
The Chemical Buddha never understood why people would tell him his life was going to pot with such disdain. The idea of a pot filled life didn't bother him at all. In fact, he took it as a compliment. Besides, what was he supposed to do? Let his life go to work? Let his life go to buying a bunch of crap he didn't need? Let his life go to judging other people and trying to make himself look better than them? Now that seemed like a waste of time. Pot seemed to be a lot better than all of those options. Personally, The Chemical Buddha didn't care what his followers let their lives go to. As long at they cared about whatever 'it' was and followed it with a passion. Because to him, a life without caring and love might as well be called death.
What are you passionate about? How often do you follow your passion?
What one thing are you willing to give your life to?

Drug Lord

"To visit new plains of reality, first visit your 'pharmacist'."
The Chemical Buddha had a different view of reality than some people. All right, let's make that most people. He didn't believe that much of what we experienced was actually real. Sure, it might seem real at the time, but our view of reality seemed to depend upon how we felt about things. So does that make it real? The Chemical Buddha believed that only by watching our emotions and thoughts like we'd watch TV or a movie (or better yet, a movie on TV) would we see reality. And he found the best way to feel like he was outside of himself was drugging his brain down to where it was only concerned with the basics like breathing, blinking, and keeping his heart beating. It was from this place of not thinking, that The Chemical Buddha believed we could experience the One (also called God by some.) But he would only trust his health to a trained pharmacist. Or someone who at least said he was a pharmacist. Or someone who once went to a pharmacy.
When in your life have you been able to be 'outside' of yourself?
Are you ruled by your thoughts and feelings or by reality? How do you know when you're in touch with reality?

Yes Mass-ter

"Religion is mass mind control."
The thought of being able to influence other people was one of the reasons The Chemical Buddha started the enlightenment through pharmaceuticals movement. He figured other religious figures were pretty much into the same things he was: sex, money, and being worshiped. One of his favorite things about this saying in particular is the double meaning of the world 'mass' to describe a group of people and a religious service. Oftentimes at parties, he would trot this quote out and then proceed to say, "Get it? Mass?" and then he would laugh his ass off. Afterwards, he would be seen off in the corner chuckling and saying, "Mass," to himself. We're not sure if this insight ever got him laid. Our guess would be that it didn't. Although it did cause a fight with him and a couple of nuns once. But he seemed to really enjoy rolling around on the floor with them.
What group do you identify yourself with?
How does that identity control you?

Center of the Universe

"I see what you get out of it, but what's in it for me?"
Like most people, The Chemical Buddha was pretty selfish. But unlike most people, he knew when he was being selfish. He would also call other people out when he thought they were being self centered. When he did that, they would usually deny it and say they were trying to help him first. However, The Chemical Buddha didn't quite understand what was wrong with being selfish. To him, selfishness meant survival. So it was OK to be selfish. If someone else got benefit out of it, all the better. But that wasn't his goal. He found that people that claimed to be selfless were actually looking for something too. They were just more underhanded about it. Which, to him, was worse than just admitting they were only looking out for themselves.
Do you do things for others, yourself or both?
What do you think of people who are 'selfish'? What do you think of yourself when you’re 'selfish'?

Cold Nose

"If you don’t feel guilty, did you do anything wrong?"
Note: this insight goes with the previous two. The Chemical Buddha believed that if you consciously decided to do something, then you shouldn't feel guilty. Now there might be unintended consequences of your actions, but that's not called guilt. That's called learning. While The Chemical Buddha often did things that hurt people, he was usually doing what he wanted to do. And while he might (I repeat, might) feel bad about hurting people, he would usually do what he did again. To him, if you knew the outcome and would still do what you did, you shouldn't feel guilty. He called that making a tough choice. So to bring this full circle, when he had the chance to sleep with his best friend's wife and his of age daughter, he did it. They were there (his best friend was not) and his dick was hard. Of course, it did end his friendship and alienated a lot of people, but given the choice, he would soooo do it again. OK. Maybe he wouldn't have the dog lick his balls. Its cold nose was a little distracting.
Do you worry about hurting people's feelings?
Does hurting other people keep you from making tough choices? If so, what one choice are you willing to make regardless of the consequences?

Karma

"Fortunately, Buddhists don't believe in hell."
After one weekend filled with particularly shameful (according to some holy books) activities, The Chemical Buddha contemplated what he had done and the potential impact on his soul. Then he realized that Buddhists didn't believe in hell as defined by most Christians. Buddhist believe we make hell (or heaven) right here. This reframing helped TCB see that he had actually spent the weekend in sweet heaven. Just like the Ozark Mountain Daredevils sang ("If you want to get to heaven, you’ve got to raise a little hell.") Of course, everyone else involved was scarred for life. But while Buddhists don't believe in hell, they do believe in Karma. As in, what you put out in the universe you get back. And you can rest assured that The Chemical Buddha spent some time in hell so that others could feel a little heaven. When that happened, TCB thought it might be better to believe in a hell that may or may not be there in the afterlife. In fact, he was in catechism at the time of his death. We're not sure how transitioning from one religion to the next affected his reincarnation (which Christians don't believe in) or hell (which Buddhist don't believe in).
How do you use your beliefs to justify your behavior?
How could the simple act of changing what you believe change your entire world?

Damn You

"Some sins are worth risking eternal damnation."
The Chemical Buddha found that how sins were defined changed throughout time. Murder has always been considered the utmost. However, if you accidentally kill someone that seems to be OK. Adultery, while sort of bad now isn't nearly as frowned upon as it was 500 years ago. So this changing sin gauge made The Chemical Buddha wonder if there were souls in hell that were thinking, "Fuck, I’m in eternal damnation for something that's no big deal now. Shit! This sucks." Or do they get out of hell as values change up here? It really didn't matter to The Chemical Buddha because the pursuit of making a TCB sandwich with his best friend's wife and their age of consent daughter while the family dog licked his balls was worth any consequences.
How have your perceptions of what is 'bad' and what is 'good' changed over time?
What one thing are you willing to risk anything to get?

Wham! Bam!

"I can always make myself cum."
Say what you will about The Chemical Buddha, but he was always able to entertain himself. He could stare at the walls for hours and totally enjoy himself. He would claim to listen to the grass grow or watch the dust bunnies form. His mantra was, "As long as I’m having a good time, I don't give a fuck what you're doing." Some might call it selfishness, but he preferred to call it self-sufficient. This was never more apparent than in bed (or on the floor or up against the refrigerator). Any partners that choose to have sex with The Chemical Buddha had to be concerned with their own needs first and foremost. If they stopped to consider what he might want, it was over and they were left sexually frustrated. And you can rest assured that he wasn't thinking of them. In fact, he was probably already asleep.
How does looking out for others (before yourself) work for you?
What areas of your life might a little 'selfishness' help you be happier? What areas might giving to others first help you?

Will Pray for Food (or Sex, or Drugs)

"My disciples are everywhere: under highway overpasses, on street corners, and in insane asylums."
Like every religious order, followers of The Chemical Buddha are easy to spot when you know what to look for. If you feel so inclined please offer the followers of The Chemical Buddha drugs, money, sex, a hot meal or even a clean pair of underwear. These people have devoted their lives to showing us all another path and a different way of being. Although it might not be one you agree with or have sympathy for, it is the one they have chosen. While The Chemical Buddha walked his path, he too felt the sting of non-believers or those who thought they knew better. His belief is that we are all here to find our way, no matter how unconventional it may look to everyone else, we are all here for a specific purpose. And part of that purpose is to help each get where we want to go.
Do you compete with other people or do you help?
What one thing could you do to help someone along? What is one thing someone could do to help you?

Hurts so Good

"Buddha meditates to alleviate pain and suffering. Chemical Buddha medicates to numb pain and suffering."
Buddhist believe that through meditation one could see pain and suffering as impermanent and merely amusing occurrences that come and go. But The Chemical Buddha invested a lot in his pain and suffering. Some might say that it was how he defined himself and was his reason for being. So he found it easier to just numb whatever he didn't want to experience. It was a lot faster than sitting on a cushion for hours on end. Although, as far as we know, he never tried meditation. So rather than breathing into anything uncomfortable he didn't want to experience and slowly releasing his attachment to it, he would just drink, smoke or orgasm it away. And, on rare occasion, do all three at once.
What painful experiences are you attached to?
How might accepting the past, rather than wishing it didn't happen, allow you to move on?

Spare Change

"You change the system by ignoring it."
Every generation seems to be about change. That's because no one ever seems to be happy to be a part of the system that made it possible for them to be here in the first place. The Chemical Buddha was also one such person. But, as we've discussed earlier, he was pretty lazy. And he found the best way to impact change was not to fight against the system or try and change it from the inside (just another word for selling out). He found the best way to change it was to ignore what everyone else was doing and go his own way. So TCB took ancient religious philosophies and combined it with modern medicine and sex aids to create his own direction.
What do you fight against that you might just be better off ignoring?
What do you risk by going your own way and ignoring what others think around you?

Can I Get a Light?

"What do you do when you reach enlightenment? Light it up again."
The Chemical Buddha was often asked how his life was different after he reached enlightenment. He always told them his life was pretty much the same. Except he was now more aware of what it was that drove him. He no longer reacted without thinking. He still talked without thinking (and stuck his dick in things without thinking) but he didn't react without thinking. But it wasn't like his joints magically rolled themselves. And he still had to open his own pill bottles and pour his drinks. But he was happier and knew that he choose everything he did. According to the Zen masters, we're all enlightened. It’s just that most of us don't know it. For a flat fee, a blow job, a six pack of lukewarm beer or a couple of roaches, TCB was willing to help you know.
What one inner truth do you need to admit to yourself?
What if you chose everything in your life? What would you chose to be different?

Suck My Addiction

"The best way to quit an addiction is to become addicted to something else."
As we've already discussed, The Chemical Buddha was addicted to everything. So he considered himself an expert. His 20 years worth of addiction experience taught him to cycle through his addictions on an hourly basis so they didn't become a problem. Of course, not everyone was as advanced as TCB. Some people only had one or two addictions. In that case, he suggested picking something else to get addicted to. It didn't matter what, just something to take you away from your current troubles. To be honest, The Chemical Buddha thought that's what addiction clinics did. Help people find something new to become addicted to. He based this idea on the fact that several addicts he knew became addicted to telling people about the evils of drugs and alcohol. In addition they really got into telling people how to live.
Do you tell other people how to live? If so, do you follow your own advice?
As you look back on your life, how has what's important to you changed?

Perverts Anonymous

"Perverts only do what everyone else is thinking."
As humans, we all think of things we never consider doing. Perverts, however, seem to lack certain filters. Although The Chemical Buddha found it interesting that even perverts would be repulsed by other perverts. He knew that because he tried to start a pervert support group to give people a place to be accepted. But that digressed to a bunch of tourists who just liked to hear how fucked up other people were. And, let's face it, we're all fucked up in some way. It's just that some types of fucked up are more accepted than others. Just like some drugs are more accepted than others. Personally, The Chemical Buddha tried to do things that were consensual and didn't hurt in a bad way. Pain is a part of life and there's the pain of missing someone and then there's the pain of being ball gagged against your will.
What parts of your life are you just a tourist?
What fucked up part of yourself do you hide from others?

Open Up

"I have the can opener to open your mind."
Like you, The Chemical Buddha was a somewhat normal little boy before he set out on his path. Legend has it that he found his calling at the age of 5 when a friend of his parents gave him his first hit of acid. Actually, he saw everyone else doing it and asked for some. The friend was too far gone to refuse and placed the tab on his little tongue. As he did so, he said, "This'll open your mind.” As TCB took his trip, one of the things he thought about was can openers. It felt like someone actually opened his skull and poured in new thoughts, sensations, and ways of seeing the world. Before adopting the name The Chemical Buddha, he often said the above phrase and referred to himself as The Can Opener. But that seemed more like a name for a professional wrestler than a leader of an enlightenment movement.
What ideas are you closed to and don't even consider?
What one thing could you open yourself to just to see what happens?

Well Red

"There’s nothing scarier than a redneck with money."
The Chemical Buddha's travels would often take him through some 'interesting' parts of the country. (Interesting was a word his mother would use when she didn’t like something.) As he’d travel through the more redneck parts, and pretty much every city gets pretty redneck 30 miles outside the city limits, he came up with the above view. He reasoned it was this combination of cash and limited world view that was responsible for giving us chromed out monster trucks, Armageddon shelters, and those classy Big Johnson T-shirts of the late 90s. What he didn’t understand was how rednecks with money seemed to want respect and admiration but they didn't respect anyone. TCB believed it was hard to get something you were unwilling to give. He also learned if you ever said something like that to a redneck, they'd get pissed off and you'd have to find another meth dealer.
Is the world you're creating the same as the world you want?
What might you have to give, in order to get it back?

If It Feels Good, Do It

"Sinning without guilt isn't a sin."
The Chemical Buddha never understood why people felt guilty because 1) it never seemed to change their behavior and 2) it just seemed to make people feel worse about their lives. That's why he always asked, "Did you have fun? Then why feel guilty?" So the entire concept of sin was foreign to The Chemical Buddha. Sin actually seemed to be based on what other people thought about how he lived his life, rather than how he thought about it. And if there was one thing that TCB didn't like, it was people telling him how to live. But, as the leader of his own religious movement, it was perfectly OK for him to pass judgment on other people. In fact, he pushed his agenda of not wanting people to feel guilty that some of his followers felt guilty for not feeling guilty.
What is a guilty pleasure no one knows about?
Do you feel guilty about it or do you worry what other people would think if they found out?

Truth

"When in doubt, lie to yourself."
There were several times The Chemical Buddha heard things he disagreed with like: "You're a drunk. You're fat. You're an idiot." Any normal person might have examined their life or made some changes. But The Chemical Buddha was not a normal person. He knew he was destined to transcend those who would keep him down. Keep him from achieving his full potential. All those naysayers were just jealous that he had a goal in life. That he was an enlightened being meant to show them the way. They were just resisting the truth. He knew better. He was chosen to lead the dawning of a new age. And he was smart, plump but cute and only drank when he was awake. So what did they know anyway? Just because they were accredited professionals with training on how to deal with people who had delusions of grandeur. Just because they fit society's definition of fuckable they didn't know everything. No, The Chemical Buddha was stronger than all of them. He would show them all he was special.
What lies are you telling to yourself?
Do you give up when people tell you it can't be done or do you press on?

Mine!

"Addicted to everything™."
The Chemical Buddha couldn't find one thing he was addicted to. He found several things. Check that, he found everything. And if everything is the one and the one is everything, he would say he was addicted to the one. Of course, there were some things he absolutely had to have more than others. But deep down he wanted it all. In fact, he hoarded everything he could. Of course, he hoarded everything he truly loved in his body. (Or more precisely, his bloodstream.) There is some dispute over whether The Chemical Buddha admitted to being addicted to everything or if this was the diagnosis of his parole officer. Our money is on his PO coming up with this, but that didn't keep TCB from taking credit for it. Or trademarking it.
What one thing do you choose over everything else?
What are you denying because you don’t want to admit it may be true?

Preparation H

"The only movement I'm interested in joining is a bowel movement."
One of the bad side effects of certain enlightenment helpers was they tended to slow down the body's systems. Particularly the digestive system. The Chemical Buddha came up with this insight while he was straining on the throne. In fact, he pushed so hard (to no avail) he gave himself hemorrhoids. Every election year since, he toyed with the idea of printing up yard signs, buttons, and bumper stickers that said, "Join the Bowel Movement." But that would have taken money away from his true pursuits. Luckily, you dear reader, can buy one (and a lot of other cool crap) at chemicalbuddha.com. We promise all proceeds will go to supporting The Chemical Buddha's followers in the squalor to which they have become accustomed. (It beats giving them money on a street corner.) Besides, every true religion solicits money from the wannabes.
What are you passionate about?
What happens when you push too hard for something you want?

Happy Birthday to Me

"Only count the birthdays you remember."
When reviewing his life, The Chemical Buddha realized he only remembered bits and pieces of two or three birthdays. His trip down memory lane, led to what would become one of his most powerful insights. Because as The Chemical Buddha grew older, he used it to not only cope with the inevitable creep of age. (Although he insisted he was only 2 or 3.) Eventually, he started applying this line of thinking to other areas of his life, creating what he called a 'memory of convenience.' His new take on memory allowed him to remember only what he wanted to or what was convenient for him to remember. Like people who owed him money or drugs or sex. More importantly, it also allowed him to forget what he owed people.
What do you conveniently remember and forget?
What big promise have you made to yourself, but not done yet?

You're Fucked.

"Since we are all one, when you have sex with another you're actually fucking yourself."
When The Chemical Buddha was first caught on top of someone other than his girlfriend, he quickly came up with this insight. Unfortunately, neither she nor his new trampoline bought it. (He figured it was worth going for a threesome, since he was assured of getting absolutely nothing. You'll find TCB came up with several insights from this one event.) So, like this insight says, he actually did fuck himself. In this case he fucked himself out of two people who were willing to sleep with him in one fell swoop. During the rest of his life, he was unable to find two people willing to fuck him for free. But he didn't really care at the time.
How does your cavalier attitude about things fuck you over?
What one choice from your past do you now regret making?

Drink Up!

"You need to release all attachments to consciousness and become truly unconscious."
As the only lineage holder of the Enlightenment Through Pharmaceuticals school of Buddhism, The Chemical Buddha taught his students that to feel one with the all, they had to release their attachment to consciousness and become unconscious. To achieve this goal, he recommended three paths to total unconsciousness: beer, spirits and wine. There were other ways to reach the desired level, but they weren't as easily controlled and deemed too dangerous for novices. Only after reaching the level of Master, did he allow his students to try heroin and plastic bags. So unless you're under the care of an accredited Enlightenment Through Pharmaceuticals Master (look for their framed certificate prominently displayed on the wall of their cardboard box) do not attempt.
What are you attached to?
How do your attachments keep you from advancing in your life?

Bubble Wrap Needed

"Very few people who hit bottom bounce. Most break."
The downside to The Chemical Buddha’s 'Bottoms Up Insight' was that most people were too fragile to actually do it. Somewhere along the way, they would break up and not be able to continue. Some even died in their attempt to let go of everything. Or, put another way, they truly let go of everything. Even life. While others either clung to their fear of what people thought or the crippling codependence on any and everything around them. In fact, those that couldn't let go, just took the few lessons they learned and retreated further into their shells. Deciding they would rather be miserable than take a chance at freedom and happiness. The Chemical Buddha didn't have patience for these, "Chicken shits." He chose to live his life as an example of what can happen if you just say, "What the fuck? Let’s try this." I think his results speak for themselves.
Are you happy where you are? If not, what one thing can you say, "What the fuck?" to this week?
What is the biggest fear that holds you back?

Bottoms Up Insight

"To reach higher levels of consciousness, sometimes you have to hit bottom."
The Chemical Buddha believed that the things we had in out lives kept us stuck right where we were. For instance, we can't quit our suck ass jobs because we have bills to pay. We can't leave our bad relationships because we'd be alone and have to start all over. The Chemical Buddha believed only a series of horrendous life events could strip everything away and make us realize what truly mattered. By losing it all, we would be able to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives. It was only then that we might realize what we thought we were chasing wasn't really worth having. Or, what we thought we wanted, didn't make us happy or fulfilled. Sometimes the bottom is the only way up. Or, as The Chemical Buddha would succinctly say before draining whatever drink was in his hand, "Bottoms up."
When you strip away all the things you use to define yourself, who are you?
What is the most important thing in your life and how does it help you? How does it hold you back?

Charge!

"I consume, therefore, I am."
The Chemical Buddha believed anything that consumed was alive. He therefore consumed a lot and was, in theory, very much alive. Conversely, anything that didn't consume, wasn't alive. In fact, it was probably waiting to be consumed. So if you could set up some way to continue to buy things (or have a book written of your teachings), even after your physical death, were you still among the living? As we enter this holiday season, it's important to show our friends, family, and neighbors that we exist more than they do by consuming as much as possible. Debt, swollen bellies, and a house filled with crap no one pays attention to after the first few hours be damned. What's important is that your family has more presents and gaudy decorations than everyone else. The Chemical Buddha believed that was the true holiday spirit.
How do you define yourself?
Does the way you define yourself help you, keep you stuck or both? How?

Excessive Moderation

"Moderation in all things, except for sex, drugs and food."
While The Chemical Buddha found it easy to not do the things his brain didn't enjoy (for instance, he believed in being moderately clean, responsible, and accountable) it was extremely difficult to not excessively do what his brain did enjoy. That's because the brain always craves more of what brings it pleasure. More sex. More drugs. More food. And ego always craves something new and exciting. But, no matter how much The Chemical Buddha chased it, he found it was virtually impossible to get back to the thrill and experience of that first time. Your first orgasm is always the best. Your first high. Your first taste of your favorite food. Everything after is a mere shadow, so you have to increase the dosage to get the same affect. Which is why we're suckers for 'new'. Luckily, no one takes advantage of that by trying to sell us new products, diets, self-help books or religious movements.
What are you chasing?
How will you know when you have enough?

Saved Psychos

"It's easier to love the world when you don't have to interact with it."
The Chemical Buddha was pretty sure you wouldn't find a guru in New York City who reached enlightenment in NYC. Most of them did it living alone, on mountaintops where they never interacted with people. So of course those spiritual people loved everyone. They never had to talk to them, get stuck behind them in line or listen to their loud parties at all hours of the night. The Chemical Buddha theorized that if one had to live life jammed among people you'd be more likely to be a psycho killer than an enlightened being. That's why he saw his enlightenment through pharmaceutical movement as necessary for man's spiritual salvation and the next step in our evolution.
When you get tired of people, how do you disengage?
In what ways do you treat strangers different from your friends?

WTF?

"The only time I don't think about sex is when I'm having sex."
Like most religious leaders, The Chemical Buddha was obsessed with sex. Although he noticed that when he was in the flow (or one with his purpose) he didn't have to think. But rather, he could just be. In these instances, the dancer became the dance. The artist became the art. And as we've discussed in an earlier reading, if he thought about sex while he was having sex he was finished. In this flow (or zone as athletes like to call it) time seemed to stand still. And yet entire hours and days could pass in what would seem like an instant. This showed the fluidity of time and how it could expand and contract depending upon what was happening. So in the case of sex, the fucker became the fuck. While in the act, The Chemical Buddha thought he lasted hours. But his partner informed him it was actually less than a minute. So when you can, use the fluidity of time to your advantage.
What do you not think about and what's the effect of your not thinking on you and your relationships?
What do you obsess over and what's the impact of your obsession?

Compacted

"To your mouth, shit is the past it doesn't even recognize. To your colon, shit is what's happening now. But to your asshole, shit is the future!"
Perspective was everything to The Chemical Buddha. In fact, two people could experience the same thing at the exact same time and have completely different opinions about it. For example, while one person was participating in a romantic evening of 'aggressive and rough sex,' the other person might claim she was 'date raped.' The Chemical Buddha tried to explain this possibility of different view points to the judge and prosecuting attorney, but he was still sentenced to four years in jail. Where he learned that what he called 'anal rape' was considered a 'good time' by his fellow inmates. It was then he found one's perspective of a sex act sometimes depended upon whether one was catching or pitching. Once he was able to actually take a shit again, he penned the above insight to help him remember to see a bigger view.
Do you see things from your perspective or can you also relate to the views of others?
How might having a bigger view of a given situation help you react differently?

I Don't Need You

"If you live for today, make sure your credit card payments aren't due 'til tomorrow."
I can't tell you how many times The Chemical Buddha was pissed off he managed to live through the night. This was usually after he came home totally wasted and bought a bunch of shit off the Internet that he, "Couldn’t live without." When he awoke in the afternoon, he always knew the bills were coming due. Which usually just resulted in him trying to forget his problems by getting totally shit faced all over again. So he created a never-ending cycle that he couldn't get out of. Truth be known, he really didn't want to get out of it, but if you tried to tell him that, he'd just get really pissed off.
How do you act when people give you feedback?
What if what they say is true? Is it easier to find new friends or change your behavior?

Any Way the Wind Blows

"You can either change your life yourself or have it change around you."
The Chemical Buddha met people who seemed hell bent on keeping their lives the same. Sometimes, not only did they want to keep it the same, but they didn't want anything to change. Or they wanted to take it back to, "When they were kids." When TCB tried to live in the past, it took waaaay more energy to keep things from changing then it did to just to go with the flow. (And at his core, The Chemical Buddha was pretty lazy.) So wherever life took him, he was more than happy to go. Which is why he would wake up sunburned on the beach in Florida one day and wearing his swim suit on a Cleveland park bench the next. Not only could he not be counted on to show up where he was supposed to be, but he also wasn't any good at deciding what movie he wanted to see or where he wanted to eat.
How does going with the flow keep you from taking a stand? What do you want to stand for?
What parts of your life need to change for you to start living the life you want?

The TV Told me to

"The body is a series of electro-chemical reactions. I’m just enhancing my chemistry."
When it comes right down to it, how we see the word is based on electrical impulses and chemical reactions created within. If anyone has ever fucked with their own chemical make up, like The Chemical Buddha, they know this to be true. For instance, with the right blend of chemicals it's possible to make ugly people suddenly seem more attractive, funny and downright desirable. Walls that seemed solid appear to sway and/or melt. And the biggest pansies become pain resistant and brave. To The Chemical Buddha, taking drugs wasn't a bad thing. He was merely trying to visit different realities while staying here. (At least he thought he was still here.) The Chemical Buddha believed, like the old TV commercial, he literally represented better living through chemistry.
How can you make better use of what you already naturally posses?
Do you ask for help? If not, how might help from others benefit you?

All That and a Bag of Chips

"If we're all one, right now, I'm having sex with myself, while being born and dying."
Across the planet, everything is happening in every moment. Because of that The Chemical Buddha believed that we had everything we needed to accomplish our dreams. The secret was being still enough to allow the collective unconscious to unfold. And while he would often be in a drug-induced coma for days, he was never quite able to get there. Instead, he had to settle for whatever his chemically enhanced brain would come up with. Although he did discover the magic of the groupthink when he and his followers got seriously baked. The real question was how to get everyone stoned at once so we could tap into the collective and figure out life's big mysteries. (Not to mention lay waste to the global supply of Doritos and Cheetos.)
What if you acknowledged you actually had everything you needed right now? How would your life be different?
What keeps you from fully trusting yourself in this moment?

Chained Heat

"Since we're all one, as long as one of us is sober, we all are."
Or at least that's what The Chemical Buddha tried to tell the police officer standing outside his car window. We're not sure if the officer didn't understand the concept The Chemical Buddha was trying to convey to him or if he couldn't make sense of TCB's slurred speech. It was probably the former, because the judge and prosecuting attorney didn't get it either and The Chemical Buddha was more sober (and less slurry) when he explained it to them. Even after sentencing, TCB insisted that as long as someone was imprisoned we all were. So he should allowed to be released. To which the judge replied, "Good idea. We've decided you're the one who's going to jail so everyone else can be free."
How do you try to get people to agree to your version of reality?
What stories do you tell yourself to rationalize how you see things?

Deep Shit

"If you can't reach enlightenment, maybe your bulb is burned out."
Several of The Chemical Buddha's followers thought they couldn't reach the same level of awareness as their master. However, The Chemical Buddha believed the path to oneness required more than just altering your reality. The dancer must become the dance. The artist must become the art. Only through stepping into the flow could one attain what they sought. So he pushed them to see that what they were good at (like oral sex or joint rolling) was actually a part of all that is. But still they resisted because they didn't see the worthwhileness of their talents. It was only after stripping everything else away did they understand how to attain the connection they sought. For example, The Chemical Buddha was good at overdosing and puking. For him, achieving oneness was not knowing where he ended and the puke began. His followers eventually found that by fully embracing their uniqueness they too could make progress toward the divine expression within.
What talent are you ignoring in favor of one that you think other people value?
How do you discount what you're good at and what is the cost to you?

Better Sorry Than Safe

"Most are afraid of living, not dying."
Playing it safe was never a motto of The Chemical Buddha. He wasn't afraid to embarrass himself because he was all about enjoying the now. Although he encountered people who seemed obsessed with playing it safe and doing whatever it took to keep from being made fun of. And while The Chemical Buddha was sometimes laughed at for his exploits, he found the rewards of going (and getting) after what he wanted far outweighed any potential fall from grace. (Besides, if he actually fell from grace he didn't have far to fall.) For example, no matter how many drinks he had thrown in his face, The Chemical Buddha would ask every woman in the bar if she wanted to fuck until he found one that said, "Yes." The reward of sex far outweighed any shame or ridicule he might have felt. Plus, the fact he was really, really drunk, insured he didn't feel much of anything.
How does playing it safe in your life keep you from getting what you want?
Would you rather look like a fool and get what you want or look reasonable and not get it?

Polish This

"When you polish a turd all you end up with is shiny shit."
The Chemical Buddha noticed people invested lots of their time following bad ideas/relationships/situations. And that the results usually ended up where they were going to go anyway. People just seemed to want to draw out the pain and suffering. Personally, he preferred to cut his losses before anything went bad. His detached, uninterested perspective meant people invested a lot of their time and energy trying to get him to like them. Which should serve as a reminder that, when given the choice, it's always better to be the turd than the turd polisher.
Does overworking an already bad situation make it better or worse?
What in your life do you spend way too much time trying to fix when you might be better off just letting go?

Space for Rent

"One can never be truly full of life until every orifice is full of life."
Some people just seem to be more full of life. While others seem to be all but dead. The Chemical Buddha spent a lot of time trying to figure out why some seemed more than alive and others didn't. He decided it either had to do with what you had inside you, or what you had placed inside you. Because, let's face it, the women in pornos (and porn is a reflection of real life) always seemed way more energetic when they had a dick in every possible orifice than those that didn't. So that must be the key. Sadly, when The Chemical Buddha had a living thing inserted into each one of his orifices he actually wished he was dead. But, "One can never be truly full of death until every orifice is full of life," didn't make a very good quote, so he just left it and tried to forget the horror of what he'd experienced.
How do you delude yourself with unattainable fantasies?
Who pays the price when your real life doesn't measure up to your expectations?

De Nile is a River in Egypt

"By calling yourself 'enlightened' you can get away with anything."
This realization was one of The Chemical Buddha’s favorite things about attaining enlightenment. His followers would pass off all of his bizarre behaviors they didn't understand as things that enlightened beings do.
Did he fuck your wife? Well, he’s an awakened one.
Catch him pawning your stuff to buy drugs? That crazy Chemical Buddha! He’s sooo enlightened.
Who are you to question why he penetrated your glazed donut with his dick? He understands things beyond understanding.
Did he cum on your face while you were asleep? I'm sure he's just trying to show you the way.
How do you excuse/justify your behavior and the behavior of others?
What do you think would happen if you were accountable and took responsibility for everything you did?

Cum Here Now

"The fastest way to cum is to think about sex while you're having sex."
The Chemical Buddha never had much sexual stamina, and he had even less when he actually thought about what he was doing. He found this applied to a lot of areas in his life. As in, when he thought about things he only seemed to ruin it. But if he went with the flow, he enjoyed himself a lot more. In fact, people around him thought he was wise, tolerant and patient because he never reacted to put downs or stressful situations. The truth was he usually didn't know what was going on. Let's face it, The Chemical Buddha was rarely accused of over thinking. Rather, he was usually accused of not thinking at all. That's because most of his thoughts were about what he could put in his mouth or bloodstream. (Except when he was thinking about putting his dick in something or someone.)
What things in your life do you over-think?
Does over-thinking make the situation turn out better or worse than it would have normally?

Hit This

"I want to get something straight between you and me."
Yet another one of The Chemical Buddha's favorite pick up lines. Of course, most of the women that were remotely interested in him, weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. So they missed the subtle innuendo of his line. Which meant he usually had to resort to pantomime and hand gestures. Part of the problem was the fact that he didn't communicate clearly. Of course, it was also good at helping weed out the ones that were too smart. Because if they understood him, he usually got punched. Looking back, he probably would have been a lot better off just asking them to fuck. Or better yet just waiting until they passed out and then dragging them home.
Are you direct with your feedback to others? Why or why not?
What do you think will happen if you talked directly to people?

Who Am I Again?

"If you don't remember your first time, are you still a virgin?"
The Buddhists try to approach every moment with 'beginner's mind' or as if they've never done it before, so they see it fresh. There were plenty of events The Chemical Buddha didn't remember. Like women he had slept with. Or how he ended up in the front yard covered in puke. So he constantly had what he called 'The Chemical Buddha mind'. In fact, he had TCB mind when it came to tying his shoes, using a spoon or even going to the bathroom. (I can't remember how many times yours truly had to clean him up after he'd soiled himself. For future reference, a garden hose with a high-pressure nozzle works wonders.) Which led The Chemical Buddha to wonder, if he didn't remember an event, did it happen? For example, he didn't remember much of his childhood, but he knew he wasn't a child. Or at least he was pretty sure he wasn't a child.
What from your life are you trying to forget?
How might approaching a routine situation with beginner's mind, help you see it anew?

Eat Your Vegetables

"Plants are lucky. They can eat, sleep and reproduce all at the same time."
The Chemical Buddha was always jealous of plants because they got to do all the stuff he wanted to do. (And in public no less.) Although The Chemical Buddha had fallen asleep during sex, eaten in his sleep and eaten during sex. The closest he ever came to being plant-like was fucking and eating while being half asleep. So when he heard people were in a vegetative state, he was happy for them. But that was before he realized that while they were eating (through a tube) and sleeping (AKA in a coma) they couldn't enjoy sex or even feel it. So he was much less excited about trying to achieve his own vegetative state. He instead focused his vegetable envy on the length and girth of grocery store cucumbers.
Who are you jealous of and why?
Is it possible that what you have right now is what's best for you?

Wrap That Wrascal

"To a man, protection is a padded headboard."
Men are different than women. They see the world differently and they have different priorities. So it should come as no surprise that The Chemical Buddha had a very different idea of what protection meant. And for years, he thought the fact that his headboard was padded was all he needed when women asked if he had 'protection'. Sadly, after catching and then passing on numerous STDs, he finally figured out what they were really talking about. But by then he didn't care, so he lied. And while The Chemical Buddha is no longer among us, strains of his STDs live on and are still passed around to this day. In fact, we're sure The Chemical Buddha would think it was fitting that he lived on through his venereal diseases.
How do your views of the world differ from those around you?
In what ways do you protect yourself? And does it help or hinder your ability to connect with others?

Way to Go

"I don’t have a death wish. I just like living so much it might end up killing me."
The Chemical Buddha wanted to experience everything life had to offer. In fact, he drank, smoked, snorted, injected or ingested as much life as he could. And despite numerous health problems, he kept doing whatever he pleased right up until the time of his death. He literally died as he lived. (See "About The Elvis of Enlightenment" to the right.) During his time among us, The Chemical Buddha noticed most people spent their lives doing stuff they didn't want to do. He thought, "Who wants to die pushing papers, filling out forms or sitting in on a conference call?" He seriously doubted anyone ever said from their deathbed, "Wait! I need to read one more email before I go!" When instead, they could scar their sex partner(s) for life, by dying in mid-thrust like he did.
What behavior, that you know isn't good for, do you continue to do and why?
How long do you think you're really going to live?

Urban Camping

"I complained because I had no bong, until I met a man who had no pot."
The moment that inspired the above insight humbled The Chemical Buddha. (Well, at least it did after he stopped gloating and laughing at the poor bastard.) Because it showed him that no matter how bad things were, there was always someone who was worse off. And that made him feel a lot better about the roadblocks he was encountering on his journey. In fact, The Chemical Buddha started making a habit of eating at the local soup kitchen so he could be around people who were down on their luck. It also didn't hurt that he got a free meal out of it. During this time he formed the opinion that he was better off than the average homeless person. (Or at least better off than the ones that didn't have a heating grate to sleep on. Because those guys had it made.)
How might a different perspective help you see your life differently?
Will the issues in your life matter in 2 weeks? A month? 6 months? A year? What can you do to put today's issue into its proper perspective?

Putting the Cock in Cocktail

"If you don’t get drunk, how am I supposed to get laid?"
The Chemical Buddha knew the best way to get into a woman's pants wasn't with smooth talk or a fat wallet. The real secret was b-o-o-z-e. Especially girlie shots where she couldn't taste the alcohol. Then he just needed to seem non-threatening and move in for the kiss and the, "Let’s go someplace else." The Chemical Buddha noticed people usually needed some sort of excuse for doing what they already wanted to do. So they could say, "I was really drunk," and therefore avoid responsibility for what they did under the influence. He became the perfect "Oh my God I slept with you!?! I’m never drinking/smoking/taking that much again!" morning after guy. In fact, only Betty Ford has helped more people get sober than waking up next to The Chemical Buddha.
Are you aware of how other people try to manipulate you?
How do you excuse your behavior?

Pee Pee Dance

"I'd let you pee on my face just to see where it came from."
The Chemical Buddha was pretty proud of this pick up line when he first started using it. The only downside was, when it worked, he had to let them pee on his face. And most of those people just did it because they liked peeing on people, not because they were attracted to The Chemical Buddha. Especially after he was soaked in urine. He also discovered that urine stings when you get it in your eyes. Oh, and it's possible to get your picture posted on lots of medical websites when you get gonorrhea of the eyes and nose. Good times.
How has being clever just for the sake of being clever backfired?
How might your own pride keep you from seeing what's really happening?

Pay to Play

"Because we are all one, you actually knocked yourself up. And I shouldn't be required to pay child support to myself."
During The Chemical Buddha's various states of 'enlightenment', he spilled his seed all over the place. Months later, when a woman he'd never seen before showed up with a baby that looked like him (but then, don't all babies look like The Chemical Buddha?) he would try to use this defense to keep from paying child support. When the fact he didn't have a job and no visible assets actually did a much better job of swaying the court. Of course, he always got a court order to get (and keep) a job. There were rare occasions a farmer would show up claiming The Chemical Buddha had knocked up one of his sheep, but that's a story for another time. (December 29th to be exact.)
How does seeing yourself as separate from everything around you keep you from taking responsibility for what's going on?
How would things be different if we all cared for each other as we'd care for ourselves?

Cheech and Chong are our Patron Saints

"I prefer to celebrate Halloweed."
As a teenager, The Chemical Buddha broke with the traditional thinking around him and created his own holiday to remind people of the path to enlightenment. In his mind, he saw 'enlightenment helpers' being passed out every October 31st. After writing several letters to his Congressional representatives promoting his holiday idea, the Federal Government was nice enough to kick in his door and go through all of his stuff. Luckily, his case was thrown out when he claimed religious persecution. From then on, he took his Halloweed movement underground and died without ever seeing his dream fulfilled. So as you celebrate Halloween, please keep the Chemical Buddha's dream alive and watch out for the DEA.
What dream of yours have you hidden away and not shared?
What would it take for you to follow your dream?

You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets

"The only people who can keep a secret are the ones who don't know it."
The Chemical Buddha found this out the hard way when he told some very personal information to a friend who said he wouldn't tell a single soul. And he didn't tell a single soul. He told several souls. Who then proceeded to tell two friends and that person told two friends and so on. The next thing The Chemical Buddha knew, everyone was talking about how he liked to shave his initials into his pubic hair. Not only did he learn that you lose control of a secret once you tell someone, but people won't pass on a secret that's not interesting. For instance, no one talked about how aerosol cheese was his favorite food.
Are you someone people trust with their secrets?
What do you know about yourself that's so secret even you won't acknowledge what it is?

Blow Job?

"Work is when you sell your hopes and dreams for money."
At least that is what The Chemical Buddha always told himself as a way of justifying why he didn't have a job. His other delusion was that his hopes and dreams were priceless and no business could afford them. The truth is, his dreams were simple and mostly intoxication or orgasm based. The Chemical Buddha believed a job would require too much time and prevent him from pursuing his connection to the one. (And by 'one', he meant one hitter.) Although the cash infusion might have been useful. Because there's no telling what he could have accomplished, and the people he could have touched, if he was able to earn the money needed to acquire clean underwear or even soap.
In what ways do you tell yourself, you don't really want what you want?
Which do you think is better? To try and fail or never try at all?

Bad Liver

"I’ve never met a drug I didn’t take."
The Chemical Buddha's liver could attest to the fact that he really did try everything. In Kindergarten, before his drug education was complete, he snorted pixie sticks, licked postage stamps (back when they were lickable) and smoked oregano. Eventually, he learned to at least only try stuff that was in pill form, smelled like alcohol or was smoked. Later, he learned to only pay after he'd tried it. Hopefully, The Chemical Buddha's life can be a warning to you that the road to enlightenment is filled with those who would lead you astray. People who try to pass bunk weed and baking soda off as the real thing. So know, dear readers, that you will be tested along your path. No one said this would be easy. And just when you feel your liver withering and your awareness expanding, your 'friends' may try to stage an intervention. Know that only you can keep yourself on the path you have chosen.
How has being open to all options made it hard for you to choose?
If you did choose a direction, what could you gain? What could you lose?

Mind the Gap

"Women control half the money and all the pussy."
Although this insight seems to be pretty self-explanatory, it took The Chemical Buddha quite a few years to fully grasp it. Later in life, it dawned on him that if women controlled all of the pussy they actually controlled all of the money too. Or at least they would control the money for 90% of the male population that's straight or bi. Because men will spend practically anything to get some. But usually only for the pussy they don't already have. However, if women could come together, rather than compete against each other, they could literally control the world. The Chemical Buddha hoped that philanderers like himself would never see that day come. Luckily, in this incarnation, it didn't. But what about his next life? Or the one after that?
What or who controls you?
If something else (or someone else) controls your life, what would have to change for you to take responsibility for yourself?

Bend Over, I'll Drive

"Looking younger just lulls us into thinking we have more time."
One of The Chemical Buddha's favorite things about American culture was its obsession with youth. He theorized this was because most of us looked our best in our late teens/early 20s. In fact, The Chemical Buddha pegged his physical appearance peak at 6 ½. He also noticed most people seemed to be trying to get back (either physically or mentally) to their perceived peak. Personally, he was just happy to spend a little time inside of someone youthful (yet of legal age). Or at least, the age of legal consent. For those of you literally scoring at home, the lowest age of consent is 14 in Arkansas, Iowa, Indiana, Missouri, and South Carolina. Some of your better Bible belt states. Luckily, most of these states were close together, making for easy 'Sleep with a Buddha' road trips.
How have you lulled yourself into putting important decisions off until tomorrow?
If this was your last day, what would you do? Or who would you talk to/spend it with?

Hunk-a, Hunk-a of Burning Love

"A new tomorrow is as close as your medicine cabinet."
Most days, the only reason The Chemical Buddha would pull himself out of bed was the lure of his 'medicine' cabinet. (Also known as his stash box.) What new exciting, cocktail would he come up with today? Where would it take him? What would he see? That's when he got the idea of turning his medicine and liquor cabinets into his headboard. That way he wouldn't have to get up to go exploring. It also had the added advantage of allowing him to lure people into his bed to partake in a variety of mind-altering worlds and positions. This period of time helped to establish The Chemical Buddha as The Elvis of Enlightenment (just without the music or the money.) If you'll notice, the initials for Elvis' favorite saying, "Taking Care of Business" (TCB) are also the initials for The Chemical Buddha. Coincidence? We think not.
What do you need to do before you feel like you can fully step into tomorrow?
Is it possible the answer is closer than you think?

Cheaper Than Botox

"If you want to look younger, date somebody who's a lot older."
When he reached his early 20s, The Chemical Buddha's discovered his lifestyle was becoming hazardous to his appearance. It all started early one morning as he stumbled into the bathroom to pray to the porcelain god. As he knelt, he saw his reflection in the toilet bowl water and actually thought a 60-year-old dude was trying to swim out of his toilet. He was even more surprised when he saw that same 'old dude' in the mirror. As his mind reeled, the above insight was born. Shortly after, The Chemical Buddha started cruising nursing homes for dates. It was cheaper than plastic surgery. Plus it gave him easy access to adult diapers. So he never had to use the bathroom (and risk seeing that old dude) again.
Do you worry about growing older? If so, why?
What one thing do you want to be remembered for?

Jim Beam Loves You

"When they're in a relationship, everyone thinks they're attractive."
When one person liked The Chemical Buddha, he thought everyone liked him. Of course, when he wasn't fucking someone, he thought no one liked him and became an insufferable depressive that only massive amounts of uppers could make tolerable. After one particularly brutal dumping, he realized his self-worth was tied directly to how others saw him. It was after this awakening, he created the Three-Fold Path To Love:
1) Get a dog from the pound. (They're just glad to be alive.)
2) Only fuck people you meet through the casual encounters section of Craigslist.
3) Hang out with Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Johnny Walker. Because they always love you back.
How does other people's opinion effect what you think of yourself?
If you weren't worried about what people would say, what one thing would you do?

Is That You God?

"Coke: snortable numbness."
During his tour through the enlightenment 'helpers', The Chemical Buddha spent some time in the powdery land of cocaine. One of the things he appreciated about it was how it took his mind off his problems. Like how his gut was so big he couldn't see his dick anymore. (Was it still down there?) What he didn't appreciate was its price tag. Luckily, he was willing to find other ways to stop all thought in his head and thereby open his mind to the infinite. In fact, he found an orgasm was good at quieting his brain. (So was taking a really good shit.) The Chemical Buddha believed, with the proper supplements, God could truly be found anywhere.
How do you avoid thinking about things?
What price are you paying by not participating fully in your life?

Follow the Leader

"I’m full of light. Light beer."
Shortly after starting out on his 'spiritual path', The Chemical Buddha found people were receptive to his 'teachings'. At first, the fact that other people were listening to him made The Chemical Buddha nervous. Then, when his followers/groupies said he was 'the light', he downplayed it by saying it was only because they were high. But as he began to trust his own gifts and insights, he became more comfortable with people looking to him to show them how to live a life of expanded awareness. His disciples saw The Chemical Buddha as the living embodiment of 'following your buzz'. This was the dawning of the enlightenment through pharmaceuticals movement and the compiling of The Chemical Buddha's philosophies into its current marketing juggernaut.
Are you willing to be someone others follow? Why or why not?
Whom do you follow? Whom do you lead? (Whether or not you’re aware of it, you are being influenced by, and influencing, others.)

High on Religion

"Drugs help you forget your problems by giving you bigger ones."
Before he recognized the enlightenment potential of drugs and alcohol, The Chemical Buddha just drank and drugged to forget his problems. (Which included several shameful, childhood incidents with the family gerbil.) But he found the issues he was trying to forget were compounded by behaviors he didn't remember because he was under the influence of his medicine/liquor cabinet. All of that changed, however, when his freakishly strong ability to rationalize and reframe any and every thing, allowed him to justify all of his addictions by calling it his 'spiritual path'. And the rest, as they say, is history. It was also the foundation of a drug fueled religious movement the likes of which the world hasn't seen since the creation of various so-called Pagan religions, Catholicism, and New Age religions of the 1960s.
What problems are you trying to avoid?
Does avoiding them make them go away or make them worse?

Fuck a Duck?

"If a man says 'no' to sex, it's because he misunderstood the question."
There've been plenty of times when The Chemical Buddha thought he was being asked if he wanted to fuck only to learn he misunderstood. Sometimes, he'd awkwardly pull his pants back up. Other times he’d just leave them down and see if anyone else wanted something from 'the meat department.' His over reaction was the result of a scaring incident where his date actually asked him if he wanted to fuck. But he thought she said, 'Do you want the duck?" and he had already settled on the lamb. From then on, just to be safe, The Chemical Buddha started saying, “Yes,” to everything. Which resulted in him helping people move, watching his friend's incontinent dog, as well as attending several Amway and Mary Kay meetings.
Do you hear what you want to hear or what is really being said?
What is the cost of saying, "Yes," (when you really want to say, "No") in your life? How might occasionally saying "No," even to people you care about, make your life less complicated?

Orgasmic Credit

"68 me. (You do me and I'll owe you one.)"
Thanks to the credit culture of enjoy it now, pay later, The Chemical Buddha found he could say and/or promise practically anything and get a blow job. Or, sometimes, he didn't have to make any promises, because reciprocation was assumed. This 'blow job on credit' led him to The 68 Insight: "You do me and I'll owe you one." And like any good credit junkie, when it came time to pay up, he would start the process all over again with another 'card'. This philosophy did leave him with a mountain of debt and lots of sexually frustrated partners, but what did he care? He still got what he wanted with no payments until next year.
What relationships in your life do you get more than you give?
How is not paying up costing you now and in the future?

AA Tip #101: B.Y.O.B.

"Alcoholics Anonymous sounds like a good name for a bar."
Imagine The Chemical Buddha's surprise when his so-called friends took him to a place called Alcoholics Anonymous and there wasn't even a bar there! What he expected was somewhere he could go and get drunk without ever telling anyone his name. Unfortunately, the only thing he got right was the name part. It was enough to make The Chemical Buddha need a drink. From that moment forward, he vowed to open a bar called Alcoholics Anonymous, because he believed several people at the meeting could really use a drink too. In the early 90s, he achieved his goal and Alcoholics Anonymous became a very popular place for AA meetings.
How are you deceiving yourself?
What do you need to do to get yourself back on track toward your goals?

100% Shit

"You should strive to have the consciousness of a cat. Because when a cat poops, every part is focused on pooping."
The Chemical Buddha found it interesting that people think of animals as stupid, yet dogs and cats have no problems with being who they are. A dog doesn’t dream of being anything other than a dog. They are perfectly content to sniff each others' butts, shit in the yard and drink out of the toilet. And when they focus on something, every part of them is focused on the task at hand. Be it sleeping, eating, fucking or staring at the front door. To The Chemical Buddha, we would all do well to be able to achieve the focus of our pets. Toward the end of his life, he actually believed he had attained that level of focus and contentment. But, it was later revealed The Chemical Buddha had actually destroyed most of his brain cells and had the IQ, and memory, of a gold fish.
How might having cat or dog consciousness make your life easier?
What are the important things you need to focus on and what do you need to disregard?

Spiritual

"Experience the inspiration of intoxication."
Like lots of semi-successful men and women (including most of the homeless), The Chemical Buddha found drinking to be a great way to uncover new ways of being. In fact, most of his key learnings came while he was under the influence of at least alcohol. One of the things he particularly enjoyed about today's insight is how it rhymed. Making it easier for him to remember. While The Chemical Buddha was 'channeling the spirits of inspiration' (as he liked to tell the arresting officers) he found he was open to all kinds of ideas. On one particularly inspiring evening, he took a woman home he wouldn't have given a second glance to a mere seven cocktails earlier. He then puked in her neighbor's mailbox. Wore her 4X thong on his head (and shoulders). And got his dick stuck in a plastic milk jug.
What inspires you?
Do you channel your inspiration into your life or wake up naked in a puddle of milk with your dick stuck in a jug?

Choose More

"When faced with a choice, always take the higher dosage."
This was a no-brainer for The Chemical Buddha. It's always better to have more of something you want, than not enough. Not that you need more information on this subject, but we feel inclined to expand on The Chemical Buddha's teachings in some way. (See? We want to give you more.) So, here are some examples: an ugly hook up is better than no hook up. 3 beers are better than 2 beers. In short, while others may say you're selfish, always take more. You can share the excess later. (If you want.)
How does following cultural expectations of sharing, keep you from getting your fill of what you want?
If you were allowed to have as much as you want of whatever you wanted, what would you do differently?

The Goldilocks Insight

"Friction brings release. No friction, no release. Too much friction brings only pain."
During the course of three back-to-back masturbation sessions, The Chemical Buddha formulated a key teaching he called The Goldilocks Insight. Too much lube, too little friction and nothing happens. Too little lube results in only pain and tenderness. But when you get the balance just right, magic can happen. Surprisingly, The Chemical Buddha found this to be true in relationships as well. The good ones needed just enough friction/conflict. Too much and people end up in jail and/or the hospital. Too little, and people drift apart. The key is knowing how much is just enough. And sometimes, you only know when you feel it.
How much friction do you need to keep you interested? And does your 'friction level' match that of the people around you?
When the friction becomes too intense do you shrink back or reassess, readjust, and restart?

You Probably Won't Want to Read This

"Addicted to self-pity."
There are lots of addictions in the world. But The Chemical Buddha felt the most insufferable was an addiction to self-pity. The woe-is-me crowd was always happy to tell you how their life sucked, rather than distracting themselves with sex, drugs, food or material possessions like everyone else. To The Chemical Buddha, these people always seemed liked they wanted to suffer. And he was always happy to fuck them over so they would have more stuff to complain about. Of course, when he was lost in his own self-pity addiction, the only way he was able to escape its vicious cycle was with hardcore street drugs.
Do your friends help you be a better person or do they let you wallow in self-pity?
How could finding a healthier addiction allow you to move on?

Sex, Drugs, and…???

"I know there’s more to life than sex and drugs. I’m just not interested in any of it."
The Chemical Buddha realized life had a lot to offer. An incredibly diverse range of sexual positions and partners in all shapes and sizes. Plus new drugs were being invented in America's basements and garages everyday. And he always vowed that once he'd exhausted all of those possibilities and combinations, he would see if there was anything else that interested him. Sadly, he didn't live long enough to make it to Thai hookers, let alone watch the sun set over the ocean.
Do you see the world as larger than you could possibly imagine or small and boring?
How might your narrow focus keep you from other opportunities?
How does chasing unlimited possibilities keep you from settling down and truly enjoying yourself?

Squirts of Regret

"Kids are God's way of saying you should have pulled out."
During his journey to enlightenment, The Chemical Buddha would often find himself enjoying the subtle nuances of McDonald's special sauce. Or counting the sesame seeds on his Big Mac for hours on end. Inevitably, his attention would be drawn to the McDonald's Playland where he couldn't help but notice the depressed looking parents watching their little bundles of joy turn into mouthy, snot encrusted dirty clothes. It was then he realized doing what was culturally expected, (in this case, having kids) didn't necessarily make the people involved feel happy.
What decisions made in the heat of passion do you now regret?
How might undoing a choice be less painful than living with it?

Permanent Ink is God

"Nothing is permanent. (Except permanent ink.)"
All that is eventually ends. (Yes, even the nagging of your significant other will eventually come to an end.) Buddhists say, "Only that which is unchanging and permanent is real. All the rest is merely an illusion." So, according to marketers, the only thing that lasts forever is permanent ink. (Advertisers wouldn't lie would they?) The Chemical Buddha awakened to this theory after a long night of sniffing markers. And from that moment forward, he started writing everything in permanent ink. Or, as he called it, "God."
Knowing that nothing lasts forever, how might you live differently?
How does trying to keep things from changing create difficulty in your life?

Anti-Christ Like?

"Christ turned water into wine. I turn wine, beer, and cocktails into water."
The Chemical Buddha believed we could all be Christ-like. (Some new agers call it Christ consciousness, but everyone knows those people are freaks.) But try as he might, The Chemical Buddha was never able to turn water into wine. (He probably would have only got drunk on it anyway.) He did, however, find he had the ability to turn all alcoholic beverages into water. Making him the reverse Christ or anti-Christ. This realization often bothered The Chemical Buddha. Luckily, he was able to drink into submission that bothersome part of his consciousness.
Rather than focusing just on the day-to-day, how might thinking about the end result help you attain your goal?
How can rationalizing away your own anti-Christ like behaviors allow you to sleep at night?

Good Parking

"Enlightenment is great and all that, but it doesn't help you get a good parking space."
Before attaining enlightenment, The Chemical Buddha had been told he would obtain many wondrous things upon becoming one with all that is: sex, drugs, money, servants, limos, mansions, and more were all promised. But nowhere on that list was mentioned a good parking space. Luckily, due to years of extreme overeating and rampant, unchecked drug use, The Chemical Buddha was able to obtain the one thing that would guarantee rock star parking as long as he walked the earth – a handicapped parking tag.
Are your preconceived notions making things too difficult?
Is there a simpler solution to the path you're on?
How might the path you're already on get you what you truly want?

Back Boobs

"If you're gonna get breast implants, why not put them on your back too?"
As far as The Chemical Buddha was concerned, women who just got their breasts enlarged, only did half the job. That's why he came up with the idea of back boobs. Perfect for those times when he was doing it doggie style. What guy wouldn’t like to play with some surgically enhanced back boobs? (And they could be used for leverage.) He theorized this would be the new frontier in plastic surgery: adding things you don’t need. Nothing would be more American than that.
What parts of your life are you only going half way?
What do you not just need to do, but overdo, to have the life you want?