Money for Nothing

“Working is overrated. Unfortunately, money isn’t.”
Today’s insight/realization came when The Chemical Buddha was at a crossroads in his life. He had just been fired from his part-time job and realized he liked money. He also learned he didn’t like working for it. He would try a few other things before recognizing his path was in the spiritual realm. He decided to turn the fact that we are all spiritual beings into a profit center. Somewhere along the way, he’d always heard it was important to do what you loved. (He probably heard it on Oprah.) That’s why he decided to incorporate his three loves of sex, drugs and food into his ministries.
What are you willing to do for money? Are you happy or unhappy with that?
What do you love? How might you turn that into a source of income?

Are You Experienced?

“The only people who truly know about death are dead.”
Since the beginning of time people have always wanted to know what it was like to do something. But The Chemical Buddha quickly realized that the only ones who know what’s it like to say, walk on the moon, are the ones who’ve done it. So no amount of metaphor or virtual reality could take the place of actually doing it. For instance, sex with a blow-up doll doesn’t mean you’ve actually had sex. It’s still just masturbation. The Chemical Buddha also learned there were some things he’d rather not experience. Because although TCB used the above insight to explain a lot of things, it was based off the ‘experience’ of working, and he twisted it to fit a lot of other meanings.
What do you what to know about without actually experiencing it?
What about the actual experience intrigues you enough to want to learn about it, but scares you so much you don’t actually want to do it?

Meat Eater

“I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat them.”
The Chemical Buddha considered himself a vegetarian once removed. Because while he didn't eat a vegetarian diet of fruit, vegetables and nuts. He did eat a lot of things that did eat that shit. So he figured he was getting the benefit of what he was eating being a vegetarian. We don’t believe this was actually true mind you, but sometimes what you think is more important than what is actually going on. And to shatter The Chemical Buddha’s sometimes fragile sense of self was to risk the possibility of having to identify his bloated dead body hanging from the shower curtain rod of a sleazy motel.
What beliefs have you built your self-worth on?
How do you justify your life with the beliefs (whether they're right or wrong)?

God is my Sugar Daddy

“God wants me to be rich.”
When The Chemical Buddha looked around, he figured God liked some people more than others. Because how else could you explain all the God fearing people who made their money off the backs of others? As far as TCB knew (he wasn’t anything close to a biblical scholar but he did take several Bibles from motel rooms to use as rolling papers) the Bible didn’t mention anything about the virtues of material wealth. In fact, it seemed like all the rich people in the Bible were punished. He figured God must have changed his mind on that one when he saw that when the rich tithed 10% he got some plush houses of worship. So, although he didn’t believe in God, he starting praying God would make him rich.
Do you think God wants and doesn’t want you to have certain things? If so, what?
If you don’t control your own destiny, who do you think does? If you control it, what do you need to do to get what you want?

Spiritual Materialism

“Give your life to God. Give your money to The Chemical Buddha.”
The Chemical Buddha had no problem with people giving up their material possessions in order to follow their spiritual calling. In fact, he encouraged it. As long as they were giving their stuff to him. As a spiritual leader, he felt it was necessary he have all the stuff his position entitled him to. Mainly sex, drugs and gourmet food. And believe us, TCB had to spend a lot on all of those to get his fill (or to get someone to fuck him). If any of his friends even hinted they were going to join a monastery or walk the earth to find their purpose, The Chemical Buddha would offer to ‘watch’ their stuff while they were gone. If, by chance, they returned for their stuff (be it months or hours later) he would usually say something about them being happier without all that 'shit' weighing them down.
Do you think it’s possible to live a spiritual and material life?
Do things, people or experiences make you happy?

Come Again

“One in the bush is worth two in the hand.”
No The Chemical Buddha didn’t misquote the old ‘bird in the hand’ cliché. That’s because when he said this he wasn’t talking about birds. Don’t get me wrong, The Chemical Buddha was famous for chasing what he didn’t have. Even when he’d just got done capturing something else he’d been chasing. He always wanted the next thing. In general, he got a lot of satisfaction in the chase. But because he spent most of his time searching, his satisfaction was short lived. He found the secret was to hop from one thing to the next, never settling for too long on any one thing. That kept him happy, if not exhausted.
Are you satisfied with what you have or do you want the next thing?
Do you find this makes you more happy or unhappy?

The Difference a Letter Makes

“Meditate or medicate?”
The Chemical Buddha often came in contact with Buddhists from other schools of thought. When he did they would insist he try meditation instead of medication. (For Buddhist, they were kind of pushy. But then, they’d also say he was destroying everything Buddha stood for, so they may have just been drama queens. Since they shaved their heads, it was hard to tell if they were men or women.) And, believe it or not, The Chemical Buddha actually tried meditating. But it just made his legs go to sleep. And he figured drugs did a much better job of making everything numb. Therefore, medication trumped meditation. (Besides, meditation was hard and boring.) The fact that there was just one letter difference between the two words was not lost on TCB either. He figured they must be closely related and therefore OK.
Where do you draw irrational ties to justify what you do?
How might you benefit from taking the more difficult path?

Take Two, They're Small

“The true prescription for happiness is a prescription.”
Like a lot of seekers, The Chemical Buddha started on his path in search of happiness. And over the course of his life he was often asked by other his thoughts on the prescription for happiness. In order to appear helpful, he would ask questions about what the pilgrim had already tried to achieve happiness in his or her life. Then he would either recommend something they didn’t say or he would suggest whatever it was he had last taken. Sometimes he would offer to sell them whatever he still had on him. Even if it was a roach, a half tab of acid or a beer can with a little bit of luke warm backwash. No one could accuse TCB of not being thoughtful (and greedy).
How do you make yourself happy?
How might you make other people/things responsible for your happiness?

Here, Doggie, Doggie, Doggie!

“Guilt is for those who actually remember what they did.”
Even in the face of overwhelming photographic or video evidence of, oh let's say The Chemical Buddha putting peanut butter on his dick and making a dog lick it off, if he didn’t remember it, it didn’t happen. So there was no way he was going to own up to feeling any guilt or shame about something he didn’t remember. That’s probably why one of the first tenets of enlightenment through pharmaceuticals is to get fucked up beyond remembering. Only then can one find what remains. (Which in The Chemical Buddha’s experience, was mostly blackness. But he did know he always came out on the other side.)
What events in your life would you be better off not remembering?
What would it take for you to forget it and/or forgive yourself?

I Lie, Therefore I Am

“You can't spell beliefs without lies.”
One of the things The Chemical Buddha counted on was that people believed what they wanted to believe. Even if that included believing things that were later proven to be untrue they would still cling to their original belief. For example, when it was proven that the world was round, lots of people continued to believe it was flat, even though every piece of evidence proved them to be incorrect. And beliefs about oneself are particular prone to warped views. For example, The Chemical Buddha thought he was thin. Even though his clothes no longer fit, he insisted on wearing them. Even when he split the ass of his pants. TCB found it was sometimes more comfortable to believe the lies than accept the truth.
What lies are you choosing to believe about yourself and your world?
What would it take for your to see and accept and unflattering or inconvenient truth?

Wrong is the new Right

“Are you sorry? Or just sorry you got caught?”
Believe it or not, there was a time that The Chemical Buddha actually had a relationship (all be it short lived) with a woman who knew her shit. She asked The Chemical Buddha the above question after she caught him being used as a hobby horse by a bar fly he brought to her house while she was out. He did manage to mumble out a ‘sorry’ but in reality she was right. He was only sorry that his lies, half-truths and misdeeds were uncovered. In this moment he woke up to the fact that people only apologize when someone catches them and tells them what they're doing is ‘wrong.’ He believed one way to avoid this, was to change your definition of what's ‘wrong.’ Because if it feels right than how can it ever be wrong?
How often do you apologize for doing what you want to do?
What do think is ‘right’ that other people think is ‘wrong’?

Wake me When You're Done

“Never trust a man who'd rather sleep than fuck.”
The Chemical Buddha’s mother played a big role in his early development. Like the insight from January 18th, this also comes from her. (While TCB’s father was asleep/passed out on the couch.) She often used the fact that her husband was ‘asleep’ to her ‘womanly needs’ to justify her dalliances. And she thought any man that would rather sleep than have sex with her, was full of shit. Because all men love to fuck her, and to say otherwise was an obvious lie. I’m sure if TCB asked his dad his thoughts on the matter, he would have gotten a completely different perspective. Believe it or not, this idea actually created some issues for The Chemical Buddha, because he loved to sleep. In fact, fucking, eating, and tripping were probably the only things that he liked more than sleeping. To go on further into his thoughts on these subjects, could give insight into future readings that you, dear reader, may not be quite ready to process. So, until they are revealed at their proper time, ponder these questions:
What do you sleep walk through in your life?
What’s the cost of not being fully awake? What would it take for you to wake up to your life?

Snortable Ajax

“Drug testing should be mandatory for everyone. I mean, you wouldn’t want to accidentally take the wrong stuff.”
There was probably no one who knew more about drugs than The Chemical Buddha. (Either that, or he just made shit up thinking you didn’t know anything either.) He claimed to be able to tell what time of day a bud was picked (or what time a batch of meth or acid was made) just by smoking it. He did get lots of free tokes with this claim. Although we can’t remember a time he was ever right. However, for the public in general he was a proponent of mandatory drug testing. This came about when, as a child he was sold postage stamps as acid tabs and a box of baking soda as cocaine. He actually should have seen the baking soda one coming, because it was still in an unopened Arm & Hammer box.
What do you think you know?
How have people taken advantage of your inexperience? How have you taken advantage of the inexperience of others?

Fill the Void

“A wedding ring doesn’t cover the hole.”
We’re not sure if The Chemical Buddha’s early childhood was more fucked up than other people’s, but we do know he had some challenges to overcome. This saying is actually something The Chemical Buddha’s mother always said to him before she went ‘out’ to spend another night with a ‘sick’ friend. At his impressionable age, this idea would later frame The Chemical Buddha’s entire understanding of fidelity and relationships. It also framed his thoughts on commitment and one’s responsibility to those commitments. That said, The Chemical Buddha was committed to something: not committing to anything.
Do you follow through on what you commit to? Or do you just commit without thinking?
What do you do when you don’t want to honor your commitments? Do you let the other person know or just do what you want to do and hope they don’t find out?

God is Orgasm. Orgasm is God.

“There is no God. Except for right before orgasm.”
One thing everyone should know is that the Chemical Buddha didn’t believe there was a God. Well, that’s not quite true. There were times he called out for God, but that was usually while he was puking or orgasming. Although he did believe in the divine in each of us, just not that there was some God who cared what he did. Because if such a God existed, TCB should have been struck down by lightning several times over. All of this did lead TCB to make many observations. For example many people cry out for God at the moment of climax. Is that about their beliefs in a higher being or that is just feels so damn good? Which came first, God or the orgasm? And if the orgasm came first did it create God or did God create the orgasm?
What things in your life do you cling to for pleasure or out of desperation?
What would happen if those things were no longer around? What would you do next?

Mr. Happy Time

“There’s one last thing we all get to do for the first time: die.”
The Chemical Buddha slipped into a depression once he realized he had just worked two weeks to pay for a piece of ass. (See January 15th reading.) Now the money (and the piece of ass) was gone and he had to go back to work. The timing of this quote is significant because it represents some of The Chemical Buddha’s first awakenings. This was when he realized that no matter how different we are, we are all born and we all die. The time in between can look very different for all of us but we are all unified in our desire for a really good orgasm. Granted, it took awhile (and copious amounts of drugs) for TCB to understand what he was learning. But his path was starting to reveal itself.
What do you think you have in common with other people?
What do you think separates yourself from other people?
Has your path started to reveal itself? If so, what is it?

The Holy Trinity

“Get paid. Get laid. Got it made.”
This saying comes from the early years of The Chemical Buddha. So early in fact, he actually had a job when this was said. This insight is believed to have been uttered shortly after TCB received his first paycheck and was later referred to as the Holy Trinity. (But that was before The Chemical Buddha realized he could get paid and laid by starting his own religious movement.) While IRS records show The Chemical Buddha did indeed get paid. And his “Book of Conquests Volume One” shows that he did get laid. We have no word on whether or not he ever got it made. Although rumor has it, he felt as if he did until the oxytocin of sex wore off and he ran out of money.
What do you need to be happy?
How much of that is truly attainable and how long does your feeling of happiness last?

Keg, Bottle, and Can

“Save the beers!”
While the post from January 13th included the actual words of The Chemical Buddha, today’s reading is totally this monk’s conjecture. In fact, I really think he meant, “Save the bears!”, because he was drunk watching a show about brown bears on some nature channel. Of course, he also wanted a beer at the time, so like I said, there’s really no telling what he meant. Much like the teachings of the other Buddha and Jesus, if their words were captured, their disciples added what they thought Buddha and Jesus meant. And more often than not, left off the context of the conversation. So it’s hard to know if they accurately caught what they said and/or meant. To be perfectly honest, this monk isn’t as familiar with the Koran and the teachings of Mohammad to know if that was true for him. But, if anyone knows, feel free to add your two cents. So, today, meditate on the misunderstandings in your life.
What have you misunderstood in your life?
Where have you thought you were doing something noble but were actually doing something self-serving? That now, upon looking back, you wish you would have done something different?

Use as Directed

“Everyone's looking for spirituality in a pill.”
Occasionally, The Chemical Buddha would deliver a dharma talk. (He may have delivered more than the handful we know of, but he mumbled a lot, so we can’t be sure.) Therefore, today’s reading is a transcript of one of his talks. We believe this will give you an idea of what it was like to interact with TCB when he wasn’t high or hungover. Enjoy. “There are no simple answers to existential questions. Although drugs, pills, and other mind-altering substances can give you the feeling of connection to the world around you, all of them are temporary. The only thing that separates you from the world is you. Only you say ‘no’ to hooking up with a complete stranger. Only you say ‘no’ to feeling the oneness of LSD. What do you need to say ‘yes’ to, in order to live the life you want? Maybe saying ‘yes’ to some of your teacher’s desires is a good place to start. Now where’s my bong and which one of you is blowing me today?”

It's not Jock Itch

“Ex-lovers are like herpes. They pop up at the worst times and ensure you’re not going to get laid.”
While The Chemical Buddha had a lot of STDs he didn’t have a lot of lovers (that he could remember). So if he was on a 'date' with another woman, and was approached by his 'girlfriend' he wasn’t pretending when he acted like he didn’t know/remember he was dating/fucking her too. Of course, not remembering them didn’t help deescalate the problem. In fact, it just made things a lot worse. Until the women realized, it was The Chemical Buddha they were arguing over after all. Then they’d usually laugh their assess off and go to another bar together. Leaving TCB to figure out what the hell was going on and why all this stress had caused an itching sensation in his pants. It took more than one of these encounters to make The Chemical Buddha figure out he should just invite people over to his place or go over to theirs. Which worked perfectly, until he came across two roommates he’d unknowingly fucked.
What bad choices have you made in your life that you find yourself obsessing about?
What mistakes do you need to learn from so you can get on with living your life?

Bang of the Gang

“Flexibility is the secret to a long life filled with a variety of sexual positions.”
Although The Chemical Buddha was unable to touch his own toes (in fact, he couldn’t even see them) he believed inflexibility/rigidity was the first step to seizing up and only being able to have sex missionary style. If he noticed a student that seemed to be having trouble opening up to new possibilities, he would ask them “What new things are you not open to your life? Threesomes, anal sex, public sex?” The answers to these questions would help The Chemical Buddha form a “treatment plan” for the student. If they still resisted and/or hesitated, he would try and scare them by letting them know they were showing the first warning signs of becoming rigid and brittle branches break. Supple branches bend (and are good for spanking). In some extreme cases, he would “suggest” gang bangs to help open up a student (literally). Let the record clearly state that the police were never able to prove these forcible sex parties were anything more than a suggestion.
In your life, where are you too rigid or too flexible?
What steps could help you achieve more balance? And if you’re open to trying a gang bang, as one of these steps, where do you live? Since TCB’s passing, it’s been awhile since we’ve participated in one.

Old Faithful

“There’s nothing a good blowjob can’t help you forget.”
We know it may not seem like it, but there actually were times when The Chemical Buddha got depressed, angry or overwhelmed with his problems. When that happened he found surrounding himself in natural beauty: the stars, the ocean, the Grand Canyon or a good blowjob had the power to help him forget his petty mole hills that he’d built into towering mountains. All that he required was a way to put problems into the proper perspective. Of course looking at the stars, ocean, and Grand Canyon never gave him an orgasm, although they did have the power to make him sleepy. But then he never, ever got too much teeth from any of those natural wonders either.
What problems do you make into big, dramatic, life altering events?
What’s one way you could do to put them into their proper/more accurate perspective?

Numb all Over

“Drugs prevent you from feeling your life.”
Other than helping him achieve enlightenment, one of the things The Chemical Buddha liked about taking drugs was how it took any anger, fear or sadness and changed it into an even mellow. Of course, alcohol did sometimes bring out the anger and tears. And coke and meth made him a little manic but it was usually better than what he was feeling. The Chemical Buddha believed this was the reason people took drugs. TCB also thought we all take things as a way of preventing ourselves from truly experiencing what it means to be human and alive. But it beat the hell out of feeling the pain of the past and the possibility of healing it. (Of course, none of this applied to The Chemical Buddha because he was an enlightened spiritual leader.)
How do you keep from feeling your feelings?
How do you justify doing things you know are hurtful to yourself or others?

Discovery Drugs

“Most ‘discoveries’ are accidents.”
The Chemical Buddha found it funny how scientists took credit for finding things that were already there. It’s not like they didn’t exist before they were discovered. Most things that are “discoveries” were just stuff we didn’t know about before. He also found it amazing that most stuff was discovered while the discoverer was looking for something else entirely. The Chemical Buddha noticed how only in the field of science and exploration is an accident hailed as something of greatness. Of course, when it came to personal experiences such as enlightenment or visiting other realities, people always wanted proof. When the truth is, anyone could make these discoveries themselves if they were willing to put in the work.
What do you need proof of before you’re willing to believe?
Do you think seeing something for yourself makes it more real?

Grateful and Dead

“The long-term prognosis for all of us isn’t that good.”
One of the things that drove The Chemical Buddha (if you could call it that) was the thought of his immanent death. Knowing he might die at any moment, TCB was determined to get as much enjoyment out of his time here as was humanly possible. Some say he was too obsessed and that it actually contributed to his early demise. One thing we can learn from his behavior though is that if we take a short-term view of things, smaller issues fade away. The Chemical Buddha thought that when we frame our problems in terms of life and death, everything got a lot easier. Here’s an example of his thinking, “I may die tomorrow so I should drink all this beer, smoke all this pot and fuck whoever I can today.” And if he lived to see the next day, he would repeat the process. Until one day, his final breath (although it was more of a gasp) did come.
If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?
How could you benefit from boiling things down into simpler terms?

Pull My Finger

“Addicted to feelin’ good.”
The Chemical Buddha would do whatever it took to avoid feeling “bad”. His was a life dedicated to the total pursuit of feeling good. He didn’t care what he had to do to get there or who he might make feel bad (or humiliated) in the process. In fact, some of his best times were at the expense of others. Be it stupid practical jokes like taking a dump in someone’s toilet tank, spreading rumors, or fucking their significant other. Unfortunately, like any addiction, he found he had to up his behavior to get the same “good” feeling. But as he grew older, he realized these actions were costing him friends. He also found that he had no respect for those who were willing to put up with his behaviors and he didn’t like hanging out with them. Towards the end of his life, TCB attempted to make amends with friends he’d alienated. In doing so, he was surprised to find he enjoyed help making other people happy a lot more then he liked making just himself feel happy.
What makes you feel good? What extremes are you willing to do to have that feeling?
What is the cost to you of trying to avoid bad feelings?

Spiritual Date

“Wine me. Dine me. 69 me.”
Every spiritual leader instructs their followers on how to access spirit, the one or God. It’s usually vague things like “release attachments,” “move in grace” Or “pray”. The Chemical Buddha had a very specific three-step process to accessing spirit (or, at least accessing his “spirit” as he sometimes liked to call it.) He also referred to it as his prescription for a perfect night of oneness. To those who hesitated at picking up the check (or burying their face in his crotch) he would look in their general direction and ask, “The true question is are you willing to do the steps necessary to get to your goal?”
What will you do to reach your goals?
Do you prefer being told what to do or do you like finding your own way? How is that working out? What do you need to do differently?

Has a Little Wang to it.

“I’m not a big game hunter. (I don’t eat what I shoot.)”
If you had sex with The Chemical Buddha and heard this, it meant that while TCB knew you weren’t sexually satisfied, he was and didn’t have any intention of doing anything else besides going to sleep. And while it did make him an inconsiderate and selfish lover, he also knew what he would and would not do. Which seemed to be a rare occurrence because most people could be easily swayed or at least talked into buying and/or trying something. While it might appear on the surface that The Chemical Buddha was a free spirit who would do practically anything, one of the many places he did draw a line was tasting his own jizz. Those that dealt with TCB were often frustrated with this attitude. But they also knew what to expect and what they were in for when they dealt with him. To him, he thought it was important to know your limits. To know what you would do, what you wouldn’t, and what you wanted to be talked into. It made life a lot simpler.
Where in your life do you draw the line? How did you learn to draw the line there?
What unconscious lines in your life have kept you from enjoying yourself?

What's More Than Real?

“Telling someone the observed cannot exist without the observer is the quickest way to a restraining order.”
Contrary to popular belief, The Chemical Buddha was capable of long-term relationships. Of course, he considered anything over a few days, long term. But perhaps the biggest love of his life was someone he never actually dated. Well, not in reality. In his mind they dated, had kids and were very happy together. This relationship would be the very definition of the term stalker. After several flowers (scrounged out of a florist’s dumpster) and pages of creepy notes (the last of which included today’s insight) The Chemical Buddha was hit with a restraining order. And while, at some deeper level his insight may be true, (this thought falls under the “if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?” idea) it’s not the sort of thing that plays well in court. Just so you know, The Chemical Buddha thought the answer to the tree question was “no”. Because sound only exists if it’s heard and doesn’t if it is not.
What truths are you unwilling to recognize?
What ideas only exist in your mind but not in reality?

More is More

“Less is truly more only after years of smoking pot.”
Every spiritual teacher will tell you less is more. The Chemical Buddha suspected that was because they wanted you to have less so they could have more. But the only way less is truly more is by smoking pot. Pot is the only drug reported to have a reverse tolerance. You actually need less of it to get high, as opposed to other drugs which you constantly have to up the dosage for the same result. (Personally, The Chemical Buddha was too fucked up to remember how much pot he needed to get that way. Let alone if he needed less over time.) Most hard core drug users are trying to get back to their first high, which can never be done because there will never be another first time. The same can be said for material possessions, money, square footage, etc. People are always chasing that feeling of the first time and therefore want more, more, more.
What can you not seem to get enough of?
How might having less actually help you appreciate it more and make you life more manageable?

Hung Over Until Next Year

“The better the night, the worse the day after.”
Often The Chemical Buddha would be seen enjoying himself one night only to look like the undead the next day. The good news is, he would just start all over again and have another "best night of his life." The Chemical Buddha believed this pointed to the transitory nature of life. One moment you're up, the next you're down and vice versa. He recommended not becoming too attached to one or the other because it will only change. And both are a part of each other. There is a little bad in every good and a little good in every bad. At the dawning of the Christian New Year (because the Western calendar is based on the presumed birth of Jesus), if he were still among us, The Chemical Buddha would hope you are able to apply the learnings of this past to attain more happiness and fulfillment today. Or, he would at least hope you'd fill up on whatever makes you happy.
What is the cost of the highs and lows in your life?
What one thing from your past do you need to learn from in order to attain happiness today?