Fucking Ugly

"No one looks good while they're cumming."
After watching countless hours of porn, The Chemical Buddha noticed that people made the strangest faces when they were supposedly enjoying themselves the most. First, he thought this pointed to how closely related pleasure and pain were. Second, he assumed that he was the exception to the 'ugly orgasm face'. In fact, he was so sure, he videotaped himself masturbating to see what his face looked like. (Just so you know, few people wanted to have sex with TCB, let alone be filmed doing it.) Since we can find no recorded evidence of his 'alone time' we assume he too was a victim of 'ugly orgasm face'.
What things do you say you'd be 'happy' to do when you're really not?
How often do you do stuff you don't want to do?
How often do you actually do the stuff that you enjoy doing?

Here's Hoping

"While a man believes he's going to get laid, the woman actually knows."
The Chemical Buddha found a lot of fertile ground comparing perception with reality. However, this discovery was one of his least favorites. Before he gained awareness of today's insight, he thought he actually had some sway over whether or not he got laid. The reality was far from the truth. Well, that's not completely right. Because it was possible for him to do things that would prevent him from getting laid, everything from an eye roll to a silent fart three rooms away from his partner. But he couldn't do anything to ensure he got laid. That was completely up to the woman. As a result, TCB started to wish he would come back as a woman so he could get laid more often.
What do you know and what do you believe?
How have those two things changed as you've gotten older?
How much control do you think you have over your life? How much do you really have?

Three is a Magic Number

"To some three is a crowd. To me, it’s a threesome."
To numerologist three is the number of a relationship. There is me, you and, the third, us. To the Chemical Buddha, three was the minimum needed to have a good time. He would also agree that it was the number of a relationship as in the number to have in a relationship. The most sacred version of the number three being two females and The Chemical Buddha. Of course, there was no way TCB could come close to satisfying one woman, let alone two women. But he always hoped they would please each other and he could watch as he drifted off to sleep.
Have you ever prejudged your potential partner? What was the impact? Did they surprise you or live up (or down) to your expectations?
What are the minimum things you require in a relationship?
What are the little extras you can bring to make your relationships last?

Lie to Me

"If someone cares enough about me to fake their orgasm, I'm OK with that."
Men that The Chemical Buddha knew spent their early sexual lives worrying if they were satisfying their partners. And then worked hard to figure out what it would take to make them happy in bed. It's well documented that TCB didn't share their concerns. He didn't wonder if his lover's orgasm was 'real' or not. There was so much more to worry about. Like his own orgasm. And when it came right down to it, if someone cared enough to not hurt his feelings by pretending they felt something (anything) then that to him was the sincerest from of love possible. Because only those that truly loved him would be concerned about his pleasure and his feelings.
Do you lie to avoid hurting people's feelings?
How do you feel when people are critical of you? Would you rather have the truth or feel good about yourself (assuming both aren't always possible)?

More Questions

"The real existential question is, 'what's for dinner?'"
As a Buddha, The Chemical Buddha was often asked about the meaning of life, what came after this life, what death was like, etc. But to TCB, none of these questions were all that important. That's because, for most of us, we didn't really need to know the answer right now. And even if we did, we'd all get to find out what the answer was soon enough. No. To The Chemical Buddha, the question that needed answering the most was about what he was going to eat next and who he was going to fuck next. Those covered his more immediate needs. Why worry about death when you might not eat or get laid again?
What big, esoteric questions do you try to answer?
Do you think getting the answer will help, or are you just distracting yourself from your more immediate needs?
What in your life feeds you and your soul?

Let's Drink

"Alcohol increases the desire, but not the performance."
The Chemical Buddha considered alcohol his best friend. And, except for those few times the liquor stores were closed, his friend was always available. His buddy alcohol always helped him feel good about himself and forget the stuff he didn't feel good about. And if that's not the very definition of a good friend then we don't know what is. Today's insight came after TCB found that, up to the point of blacking out, every sip of alcohol increased his horniness. It also made for some sloppy sex where he had trouble getting it up or getting off. Oftentimes, he couldn't even remember what he did. So to him, the sloppy sex stuff was more rumor and urban myth than anything.
Where in your life do you get excited about something only to not follow through in the end?
What might you do to ensure you're doing what (and who) you want to do?

Never Forget

"No matter who you are, some religion thinks you're going to hell."
The irony of this being on September 11th was lost on The Chemical Buddha when he came up with this daily meditation for the medicated, but it seems appropriate. Regardless of the god, ungod, tree or glow worm you worship, someone somewhere thinks your going to hell or will be eternally damned because of your beliefs. Or, you think they're going to hell for theirs. Good times. The Chemical Buddha realized all this did was separate him from others. (As in it prevented him from getting in the pants of people who believed differently.) Therefore he embraced as many beliefs (and naked people) as possible.
How do your beliefs keep you separated from those around you?
Is it more important for you to understand or to be understood?
And what is the impact of that in your life?

Step on a Crack

"It's important to know which crack you smoke and which crack you poke."
We're sure it's not that far of a stretch to picture The Chemical Buddha getting so 'impaired' that he would try and hump practically anything. That includes the night he discovered today's insight. After a day of heavy drug use, TCB spent that entire night trying to mount some crack cocaine. (It started when The Chemical Buddha overheard his roommate saying he left some crack on his nightstand.) Not only was TCB left unsatisfied, but all the rock tasted like dick. (Or, so he claimed, what he'd heard dick was supposed to taste like.) From that moment on, he decided to pay attention to the difference.
Where are you confused about in your life?
To be more satisfied with life, what do you need to learn more about?

Seconds 'til Orgasm

"Premature ejaculation is premature for whom?"
As the insight from August 26th showed, The Chemical Buddha was nothing if not true to himself. But after hearing some complaints about his stamina (or lack there of) TCB asked himself the above question. Because, if he was having sex to please himself, then, quite frankly, he couldn't come fast enough. Wasn't that the entire goal? If evolution's goal was for us to propagate as much as possible, then he was actually the peak of evolution. Especially when compared to those who take minutes to come. Of course, the complaints were because, it appeared to The Chemical Buddha, his partners actually wanted him to consider their needs. But it's pretty safe to say that just wasn't going to happen.
How do other people beliefs about what you should do affect your life?
What would happen if you worried less about what others thought and, instead, just focused on yourself?
What would be different if you focused on other people instead of yourself?

Faking it

"I have never faked an orgasm."
Hopefully, if you've learned anything about The Chemical Buddha it's that he was true to himself. So he never did anything (or anyone) he didn't want to do. So it was pretty safe to assume that if TCB did anything it was because he wanted to. This also meant he was a horrible liar and poker player because everyone could always tell what he was thinking. Unless he was unconscious. Then he was an awesome liar. Because of his total self-honesty, he never ever faked an orgasm. (Except for that one time when a girl he was fucking told him to pull out because she wasn't on the pill. He, of course, had already came, so he pulled out and pretended to come on her stomach.) Of course, he did believe that if someone cared enough to fake an orgasm with him, they must really care. Or think his self-esteem was too fragile to handle the truth. Truth be told, it didn't matter to him what the reason was.
Do you think other people are truthful to you?
Are you truthful with other people?
What parts of your life are you faking your way through?
Where do you need to be more true to yourself?

Ahhh, Memories

"You always remember your first, your last, and the one who gave you herpes."
The Chemical Buddha tried to draw a lot of parallels between life and sex. To him life was sex and sex was life (or at least a really good reason for living life anyway.) From an evolutionary perspective, we are here to reproduce and carry on our genes. Plus, it felt really, really good. With this understanding it's easy to make sense of today's insight. Because in sex, like life, The Chemical Buddha remembered the first and last time he did something as well as any catastrophic event in between. (Or at least the first time he recognized it happened). But all the rest, was just a blur and usually lost in the fog of his mind.
What are the big moments you need to pay attention to in your life?
And what would be better off forgotten?
What do you remember and why?

Cougar Instructions

"Once women figure out what to do with what they've got, no one wants it anymore."
The Chemical Buddha considered it a weird twist of life that once you figure out how to do something you're too old to do it. For example, by the time TCB learned to ride his tricycle (age 9) he was too big for it. The meaning behind this thought is by the time most women (or anyone else for that matter) get comfortable enough and know themselves well enough to have the sex they've always dreamed of having, they're usually too old to be attractive to anyone. Or, if a woman really applies herself and learns a lot at about sex at a young age, the very act of drinking a lot and having several sexual partners can make her look older than she actually is and again, she won't be attractive to anyone. The key is to be comfortable at what you do no matter what. TCB was sure there were exceptions to this rule and we're not even sure if, like a lot of other things, he was even right about this one. You might be better off trusting your own experience.
How does your discomfort or fear of trying something new hold you back in your life? What steps do you need to take to be comfortable in your own skin?
Or better yet, feel comfortable sharing your skin with someone else?

Fuck Reason

"I like people who think of reasons to have sex, rather than reasons not to."
In The Chemical Buddha's vast experience of trolling seedy bars for someone who might actually want to have sex with him, he found there were two types of people in the world: those who think of reasons to do something and those who think of reason not to. And there are a lot more 'not to' people than 'reasons to' people. Especially when you consider that even people who don't like to do things are searching for people to do things with. TCB reasoned this was because the easiest word in the world was 'no.' And the hardest word was 'yes.’' Unless you run into one of those people who say 'yes' to everything but don’t show up for anything. To The Chemical Buddha, these were worse than people who just said no all the time.
Do you say 'yes' or 'no' more often?
Do you over commit? If so, what do you do when you have too much to do?

We had Sex?

"The best sex I ever had was the last sex I ever had."
The Chemical Buddha noticed that there were certain things in life where the last time he did it was also the best time. Of course, TCB came upon this thinking when he realized that he couldn't remember any of the previous times he had sex. He could remember the people (barely) but not the actual feelings. So it wasn't a lie when he told his partner(s) that was the best sex ever. He found this also applied to other areas of his life. For example, the last time he saw someone was how she or he always looked in his mind. He couldn't remember how they looked before. He might recognize them if he saw an old picture but he couldn't actively call up how they used to look. Just how they looked now. Of course, there was one exception when he could compile all the best possible memories (and add a few enhancements) and that was when he fantasized while masturbating.
How much time do you spend living in the past?
What parts of the past do you unnecessarily hold onto?
What keeps you from enjoying what's happening now?

Trade for Sex

"You can either pay for sex by the hour or with half of your possessions."
This insight marks the turning point of The Chemical Buddha's attitude towards sex and relationships. TCB gained this awareness after yet another 'relationship' break up where his latest 'lover' (by 'lover' we mean someone he slept with and by 'relationship' we mean she actually stuck around until morning) moved out taking most of his possessions with her. Even though he didn't really have much worth taking, she did make off with his favorite roach clips and his beer bottle cap collection. It was then The Chemical Buddha decided it would be easier to just start paying for sex by the hour (or sex act) instead of always having to go to the thrift store to buy a blender and combing through people's trash for a new mattress.
How often do you make choices that aren't good for you?
Do these choices have a simpler solution that might serve you better?
What are you willing to give up to be in a 'relationship'?

Redefining Hotness

"Love everyone, but only fuck the hot chicks."
For months, The Chemical Buddha tried to love everyone (and everything). Or at least everyone and everything that would let him 'love' it. And while it led to several awkward mornings of hung over haze looking at the latest whale he’d just harpooned, it also helped The Chemical Buddha decide he'd rather just fuck the hot chicks. So while he could still feel love towards all things, he didn’t need to express it physically with everyone. Especially those who were f'ugly. Unless he was really drunk or really horny or really high or just didn't want to sleep by himself or if every attractive woman he had hit on shot him down, then he would give up his pursuit of hot chicks and settle for whoever he could nail.
How often do you settle in your life?
What line do you need to draw between what you want and what you're willing to put up with?
How will making choices to go after what you want help you in your life?

Have a Nice Day

"Women are friendly to be friendly. Men are friendly to get in your pants."
The Chemical Buddha learned this insight the hard way. Just because he would point out to a woman that he wanted to have sex with that she had a little bit of vomit on the corner of her mouth or if he said, "Excuse me," after ripping off a really loud fart to a woman as a form of sexual foreplay. Just because he did these things didn't mean everyone was that way. It took him a long time to figure out that just because a woman told him the time or pointed out that he had stepped in dog shit didn't mean she wanted to have sex with him. And even after he learned it, that didn't keep him from asking everyone woman that didn't react in disgust toward him if they wanted to fuck. He just chalked it up to one of the differences between men and women that he would never understand.
Are you only nice to people when you want something?
Do you think people are only nice because they want something?
Do you seek to understand someone or to make yourself understood?
Do you look at your own behavior towards others or concern yourself with how others treat you?

Pleasure and Pain

"It is said even constant orgasming can become agony. That's a risk I'm willing to take."
The masters said too much of anything could become painful and that we needed pain to know pleasure. That light couldn't exist without dark. And while this theory seemed to make a lot of sense on the surface, The Chemical Buddha believed they only used it to explain a particularly difficult and painful stretch a student was experiencing. Because really? Has anyone had too much pleasure? Fuck no! And there didn't seem to be any risk of that happening either. So when his teachers cautioned TCB about wishing for never-ending joy (like in today's insight) The Chemical Buddha wasn't worried at all. In fact, he would reply, "Like that’s ever going to happen dumb ass." As far as we know, The Chemical Buddha never did experience constant orgasming, although that didn’t keep him from trying every pill and ointment he could buy to make it happen.
What reasons do you use to explain why things happen in your life?
What do you spend your time wishing for?
Do you actually think it'll come true, or do you just wish for the sake of wishing?

Live from Life!

"Better to be all dead than half alive."
The Chemical Buddha was all in favor of getting the most he could out of life. That said, he often ran into people who held back from life and didn't seem to fully embrace it. (And by 'embrace it' TCB usually meant embrace him and by 'him' he meant little Chemical Buddha.) But he would try to hide all that meaning in today's insight. If you reread it with what you've just learned, this meditation is best summed up as: "Better to be all dead than not to have sex with me." After seeing several walks of shame, we can say most people looked like they would have preferred to be dead. Taken at it's less sexual meaning, The Chemical Buddha believed this was our one shot to do what we wanted to do. So why not go for it? Oh, wait, I think we're talking about sex again.
How often do you fully engage in your life?
Of those times you fully engage, how often do you give 100%? If you don't do it very often, what holds you back?
How would you feel about your life if everything ended today? What would you need to do different to feel good about your life and yourself?

One Friendly Fucker

"It’s good to be liked. It’s better to be licked."
The Chemical Buddha, "Wanna fuck?"
Random drunk woman, "I just like you as a friend."
This was a common exchange in The Chemical Buddha's life. Which led him to today's insight. While he liked having friends and saw the value in them. He liked being licked a helluva a lot better. And they didn't have to even be a friend to lick him either. Although afterward, he always considered lickers to be the best kind of friends. We think this points to the difficulty TCB had forming friendships. We’re not really sure how many he had. Of course, he considered everyone a friend, the postman, wait staff, bartenders, his dealer and anyone who he could tell what to do. And while, from the outside, it may seem like he was lonely, The Chemical Buddha never considered himself alone.
How do you define being friends?
How good a friend do you think you are?
What conditions do you put on friendship?